What You See Is What You Get

Abortion After 20 Weeks

A few days ago, I received an email from one of the many pro-choice organizations I follow. The email was in panic mode:

“URGENT! Your signature needed! Our reproductive rights are being threatened again!”

Two days ago, Congress passed a bill banning elective abortion after 20 weeks gestation. “Elective,” meaning not due to conditions dangerous to the mother (such as preeclampsia or eclampsia), or fetal demise, or fetal malformations that are incompatible with life. Those are still possible. Just not, “I don’t want to have this baby.” I haven’t read the full text of the bill, so I don’t know what other exceptions there are. Stay tuned.

I took a deep breath and wrote a letter, but not the kind they wanted or were expecting.

You see, I have a lot of personal history surrounding both abortion and fetuses, and from where I stand, it’s not so simple. Truth be told, it’s never simple to curtail any life, no matter how tiny or how tenuous.

When I was a 16 year old virgin, in 1970, I was drugged, dragged into a dark basement, and raped so violently that after two reconstructive surgeries my nether parts are still not normal. I ran away, partially because the much older man who did the rapes was then sharing me with his friends and as a young person with Asperger Syndrome I didn’t know what to do, and partially because my mother’s abuse escalated around that time, probably due to my increased vulnerability. I fled from Massachusetts to California, where instead of peace and love I found more rape.

I missed a couple of periods. My breasts were swollen. I had no idea what was going on, since there was no such thing as sex education in the schools at that time, and my parents were phobic about anything having to do with sex. I went to a mobile street clinic and discovered I was pregnant.

Being California, there were choices. I could have the baby and keep it; I could have the baby and give it away; or I could have an abortion. I couldn’t fathom either of the first, so I settled upon the latter.

My pregnancy was past 11 weeks by the time I discovered it. California law required that pregnancies over 12 weeks be terminated in the hospital rather than the clinic because of the different technique necessary and the increased danger of perforation of the uterus. The soonest they could schedule me was in two weeks, at almost 14 weeks of pregnancy.

I’m glad they did it in the hospital, because they knocked me out. All I remember is the OB resident coming to see me afterward in tears, ranting at me about “people thinking they can use abortion as birth control.” I had no idea what he was talking about, or why he was so upset.

Fast forward to 1988.

I was a second year resident in Pediatrics at a big city hospital. My Neonatology rotation included participation on the Perinatal Ethics Committee, which deliberated on matters concerning difficult pregnancies and how to handle them.

There was a woman in her fifth month of pregnancy on the inpatient Obstetrics ward. She was 38 years old and had been pregnant already many times, and had miscarried every time. Her underlying problem was high blood pressure, which prevented proper blood flow to the placenta. She routinely miscarried between 18 and 24 weeks. At that time, and mostly until this day, for specific reasons, 24 weeks was considered the lower limit of fetal viability. Efforts to work around those limits are ongoing, but for the most part not practicable.

But she desperately wanted her baby. The perinatal team knew her well and liked her in spite of her challenges. They felt that if it were technically possible to save her baby, then we had a mandate to do all we could to deliver her a living child.

Now, this lady was no married, upper class, healthy white person. She was black, intellectually disabled, and chronically ill with severe hypertension due to lupus. She was unmarried, lived in a rough part of town, and had a criminal record for theft. In other words, a high-risk prospective parent under any circumstances, and especially for a very premature delivery. What was the prognosis, really, for her to safely and effectively parent a tiny preemie who would, if she survived, need intensive care in the hospital for months and intense home care for years afterward? Not so good. We debated the issue for hours and hours. The lady really desperately wanted her baby, but we were literally not certain we could deliver a viable baby for her, and certainly not a healthy one.

What should we do?

One thing in favor was stress. Normally we think of all kinds of stress as undesirable. We’re always thinking up new ways to combat stress in our lives. But stress is the premature baby’s friend. Stress in utero leads to increased stress hormone production by both mother and fetus, and this speeds the maturation of the fetal lungs. That was one good thing. After the lungs, the greatest challenges are the kidneys, and the skin. In utero, the placenta takes care of fetal waste, but undeveloped kidneys are something we have not learned to adequately deal with on the outside. Likewise, no need for skin inside, but here in the big world, without skin we quickly dehydrate and without its protective barrier, bacteria get in and wreak havoc.

These things don’t finish their development until the middle of the 23rd week. Our job was to keep this lady pregnant until the end of that week, if possible.

The plan was to do thrice-daily ultrasounds of the maternal-fetal circulation. Her problem had historically been that because of her hypertension, her placenta would become calcified, leading to a net reversal of blood flow so that instead of her blood going to the fetus, the blood flow became reversed, so the fetus became starved of oxygen and died. We put her on complete bed rest with high levels of supplemental oxygen, to keep the pregnancy going until that precious 24th week, at least.

In our cutting-edge neonatal ICU we boasted well over 90% survival at 26 weeks, unheard of at that time. That’s because our hospital pioneered the use of pig surfactant, a substance that, when blown into the stiff lungs of a tiny preemie, caused those lungs to become suddenly functional. It was nothing less than miraculous.

(Part of that miracle is that it was discovered by an Orthodox Jewish postdoctoral fellow, who would come into the hospital at all hours to blow a tube of pig lung secretions down a baby’s tube.)

This almost entirely eliminated the biggest barrier to survival of premature babies, the lungs, unmasking the next big challenges, which were and still remain, skin and kidneys. (We don’t have artificial substitutes for either kidneys or skin, but believe me, they’re working on it.) So we knew that if we could get this little girl past that 23rd week, between the stress and the surfactant we’d stand a pretty good chance for having her grow up.

The neonatal team was on call for the moment the blood flow in her placenta reversed. If she made it to 24 weeks, we’d deliver by Cesarian section and then, if she breathed spontaneously or with minimal intervention, we’d go all out. If she did not breathe, we would not intubate her. That was the compromise we worked out.

As it turns out, she never made it to 24 weeks. At 23 1/2, placental blood flow reversed. We had a quick conference and reconvened in the delivery room, where the fetus was removed by Cesarian section and handed off to the attending neonatologist, who happened to be me.

Squirming in the surgical towel they handed me was the tiniest human I have ever seen. I placed her on the scale: 325 grams, about a third of a pound. I’ve had burgers bigger than that! Her eyes were open, and she had all her fingers and toes. She was perfect.

As I laid her very carefully on the cold scale, a hole opened in her tiny face and a huge wail came out! She cried lustily, and I shrugged as I handed her to the NICU nurse.

“She wants to live,” I observed.

“Damn right she does,” said the nurse protectively, placing her in the warm incubator. “Let’s roll!” And they took her to the NICU, where she endured many challenges but never gave up.

I followed her until she was nearly 3 years old, then lost track. She didn’t have it easy. Her mother predictably dropped out of the picture, but her aunt took over and did a great job with her. She never had any of the really disastrous preemie problems (brain bleeds, oxygen toxicity, gut problems, sepsis.) We figured the stress she endured prenatally might have helped. Or maybe, as in the Jewish way of thinking, her soul really, really needed this particular vehicle in order to accomplish its mission.

No matter. After holding that little tiny life in my hand, watching her hang onto that life for all she was worth and actually grow up, there’s no way I’m going to say that a 20+ week fetus does not feel, or is not alive.

Something Doesn’t Look Right

When I travel in my van, which is all the time, I look for places to camp that are remote yet within a few miles of a town so that I can get cell coverage. I do go off the grid if I must, or if there is some draw like a gorgeous view to be had (and not shared with a cast of thousands of other campers).

To find such locations, I employ a cluster of apps. These are a combination of crowd sourced data from people like me who like to wander around in the woods, and official info from the U.S. Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management, Fish and Wildlife, etc. That way I know for sure I’m on public land and nobody is going to sic their bulldog on me.

I whiled away this summer wandering around the gorgeous state of Oregon, beginning in the Cascade Mountains, and when they caught fire, fleeing to the coast where I shivered in the cold fog but loved the quirky isolated coastal communities that somehow manage to go on being blissful even though there is a seriously overdue tsunami lurking just offshore. The plethora of road signs warning of tsunami danger is unnerving to a mountain-bred girl like me, who gets panic attacks at the roar of the ocean.

Summer ended, as summers will, and time came for me to be heading back to sunny Arizona, where I will at last do something about my left shoulder (two “high grade” rotator cuff tears, greater than 50% torn) and my left wrist (now missing a bone because the surgeon wasn’t expecting to find the joint so completely trashed at arthroscopic examination, thus had no permission to do anything more than remove one bone that was rattling around in pieces.)

I meandered down I-5 through the over-logged parts of southern Oregon and into Northern California, where the people of the towns like Yreka (pronounced Why-reeka) and Weed fly the flag of Jefferson. My first campsite in NorCal took me way, WAY off the grid, to a public campground managed by a small power company that had dammed up a piece of the Klamath River and made a lake out of it.

It was a lovely out-of-the-way place, accessed via a terrifying one-lane whose pavement was falling off to one side and the other, as pavement tends to do in California, due to the general inability of everything there, whether from earthquakes, mudslides, or precipitation, or lack thereof.  I drive a lot of dirt and gravel Forest Service and fire roads, and they are nearly always better than California paved back roads.

When I finally arrived at the campground, I found it filling up fast. There was a bass fishing tournament that weekend and everyone in NorCal had their bass boat and their generator all ready to fire up. I got as far away from the crowd as I could. While setting up my camp (read: get out lawn chair), I noticed a very loud silence in the vicinity of my Malinois, Atina. Doggy silences spell the same thing kiddie silences do: trouble. It seems we had a visitor:

This juvenile possum had hardly any teeth. Nevertheless, it was staring at Atina, who was staring back. I got a pair of gloves and nudged it with my walking stick, whereupon it fell over “dead.” I picked it up by its prehensile tail and placed it back in the bushes where it came from. Atina looked disappointed, but oh well. It’s a dog’s life.

Also in attendance was a herd of feral horses.  This is the gorgeous Appaloosa stallion, who came over to check us out, then set up his camp next door:

I fantasized about running back to Weed to buy a horse trailer….

A couple of days later found me on the California side of Reno. I located a likely spot to camp on my Free Campsites app (did I mention I try not to pay for parking?) and set my GPS. The road was California nightmare again, this time featuring deep sand and worn signs that warned travelers away in case of inclement weather: ROAD IMPASSABLE IN INCLEMENT WEATHER. OK, today is passable, but if it rains tonight, I’ll be stuck? Wouldn’t be the first time. Onward.

As I negotiated the tight turn into the abandoned (as it turns out) Forest Service campground, I wondered aloud whether the review I’d read from a person who allegedly camped here with a 35′ trailer could possibly have been misfiled. Between the sand trap and the tight turn….I dunno. As I rounded the bend, a very clean, late-model Prius came into view. It was parked at what remained of the first campsite. Seated on the rotting picnic table was a woman close to my own age.

She looked up from her smartphone and waved. I didn’t see any tent.  After wedging my van into an incredibly small parking space, I gathered up Miss Dog and went to introduce ourselves to the neighbor. I can’t tell you how many times in the 3 1/2 years I’ve been traveling, that a simple “hello” has made the difference between struggling with some problem all by myself, or having a helping hand. (And since I only have one hand that works, that’s saying something.) I made plenty of noise as I approached. Never good to sneak up on anybody in the wilderness! She was still sitting on the picnic table, despite the two aged canvas deck chairs she’d set out. It’s a common ruse for single women camping, to make it look like there was someone else. I’ve been around this block a few times, though, and it was clear she was out there alone–just like me, most of the time. We started with the usual small talk, sizing each other up. Atina immediately liked her, and rubbed a layer of dog hair all over the woman’s black pants.

Did you know there is a whole subset of homeless people who live, specifically, in Priuses? The back seat folds down and (she explained) makes a space exactly 72 inches long. Since she is only 60 inches tall, that’s more than enough sleeping space! (She said.) “I make sure the windows aren’t blocked and the floor is clear, so I can stealth-park,” she explained.  Everything she owned was black, to match the upholstery and hopefully fool the flashlights of police checking parked cars for homeless people.

“But what do you eat?”

I am so spoiled from having a fridge and a microwave and a two-burner stove that you can’t use both burners on because they’re too close together, but never mind. I’m spoiled. She gazed at me with patience and restraint. “I have a little, you know, cooler box, and a butane camp stove,” she said. “This morning I had eggs and ham and tortilla.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling stupid. “Real food.” She chuckled and nodded. Over the course of the evening and the following morning, her story came out. She had worked all her life in higher education, retiring with a pension that would have been bigger if she’d stuck it out to 65. But her adult daughter had come down with an inoperable brain tumor, so she retired early in order to have more time with her child. They made the best of it, traveling together, until the inevitable happened. After the funeral, her marriage came apart. Her ex got the house. She hit the road, and has been on it ever since.

So here we were, these two ladies in much reduced circumstances: she with a Ph.D., me with my jumble of letters, sharing tips and tricks for life on the road. I marveled at her resourcefulness, living in such a tiny time capsule. Her refuge in her grief, from losing her only child, her life. But she is uncomplaining; in fact, the opposite. Instead of a pity party, we celebrated our freedoms, and especially our freedom to choose this lifestyle. The next weekend, she told me, she would visit a friend who is part-time on the road. He’s at home now in his stix-n-brix, as we who live in wheeled conveyances call a fixed residence.

“Well then, does he have a spare bedroom?”

He does.

“And where will you sleep?” But I already knew the answer, because once you get used to sleeping out in your vehicle, no bed in a stuffy old house can tempt you indoors.

“Girl commits suicide after being shut out of graduation”

As if living with childhood depression isn’t bad enough, this young teen’s school decided to exclude her from graduation festivities. It was the last straw.

Mental illness is not contagious, but the way it’s treated, you’d think it was.

How Chronic Pain Killed My Husband — Pain News Network

https://www.painnewsnetwork.org/stories/2017/9/4/how-chronic-pain-killed-my-husband

Depression Comics Hits a Homer

http://wp.me/s2dNEa-359

When I’m depressed, everything is all about the fact that I’m shit. Other people’s reactions are iron-clad proof that I’m shit….right?

In this comic, Clay brings a new perspective. I’m going to paste this one to the insides of my eyelids.

Police State? #2

http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2017/08/31/officer-gun-motorcyclist-zw-orig.cnn

Take a look.

Guy is speeding on his motorcycle. Unidentified second dude appears, purposefully clutching semiautomatic pistol aimed at motorcycle rider, demanding this and that. No uniform, no badge.

Rider is terrified and pleading.

What I’m thinking: If the biker, knowing his life is in mortal danger, pulled his own weapon and shot the motherfucker who is threatening his life, would he be jailed for “cop killing?” He has absolutely zero indication that this is not some random thug. But this motorcyclist isn’t even the type who packs heat when he rides. He’s just, you know, some dude out for a ride, no threat to anyone but himself.

How about instead of issuing more weapons to the police, we take them away? I don’t see them making any difference in the violent crime rate, unless you consider the contributions made by police bullets against unarmed citizens.

Police State?

‘This is crazy,’ sobs Utah hospital nurse as cop roughs her up, arrests her for doing her job

http://wapo.st/2eK9ihU

If you think there’s something afoot…a pattern developing…you may be right.

Watch this clip. Then think carefully.

Just as the citizens of Texas knew the storm was coming, we see the gathering clouds of “law and order” organizing. The Rule of Law that we counted on for protection has shifted. Now the police are being provided with military weaponry…for what? Who is the “enemy” they plan to attack with rocket propelled grenades? You? Me? The nurse who commands the burn unit, whose job is to protect the helpless?

Stay alert. Stay nimble. And above all, be prepared. It’s going to be stormy out.

From CNN: Charlottesville victim’s mom: They tried to kill my child to shut her up

Right on, Mama!

Heather Heyer will not have died in vain.

http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2017/08/16/susan-bro-mother-heather-heyer-memorial-service-bts.cnn

Transactivism is making a mockery of the fight against female genital mutilation

Female genital mutilation and surgical gender reassignment: do they have anything in common? Renee issues a passionate scholarly call to wake up and climb out of the PC muck. Please read and share and by all means follow Renee’s excellent blog!

writing by renee

About three years ago, Lisa Irwin, who identifies as a transwoman, travelled from New Zealand to Bangkok for gender reassignment operations. “I hoped that it would make me feel totally complete, as a “woman”,” says Lisa. “So I could get on with my life and start enjoying it.”

Things did not go according to plan.

the surgeon pretty much stuffed things up. Sometimes I can be sitting here and next thing it’s like someone’s got a knife and just starts stabbing me. I instantly knew it was wrong, it was kind of like I got hit by a big truck. I had to come back here to New Zealand, where there was nothing they could do for me.

Lisa now lives with daily pain, having experienced genital mutilation in the name of identity and medicine.

This experience was relayed earlier this year on a TV1 documentary called Born This Way

View original post 2,348 more words