Hands Down

Do you have two hands that work?

If no, you have my deepest sympathy.

If yes, I suggest you put one of them in your pocket or behind your back.  Got it?  Good.

Now go wash your hair.

This has been my life since the summer of 1993, on and off.  Mostly on.

I’ve had four hand surgeries since then: three on my left and one on my right.

I won’t elaborate on the proximate cause of the situations leading to these surgeries.  I may finally get around to editing and posting the story of Costa Lotta Jack, the evil Appaloosa who tore my wrist bones apart back there in ’93.  Now is not the time.

Let us begin with the premise that my left wrist was destroyed in 1993 by an evil Appaloosa named Costa Lotta Jack, which lead to my first wrist reconstruction a few months later.

That repair worked so well that I was able to relearn to play the banjo and fiddle.  Not the way I played it before: I lost a lotta wrist action in that fight.  Good enough to cut a solo CD that still tops the folk charts, although it still hasn’t paid for itself.

Six or seven years later, that repair broke down.  Another reconstruction.  Lost some more range of motion with that one, but managed to keep playing music once they pulled a couple of steel pins out of my wrist.

And so on until a year ago, when I had a big crash and burn from tripping over a barrier between two campsites in the pitch black new moon dark.  The hand surgeon in Flagstaff was sure it was a tear in the joint capsule, and the MRI with contrast demonstrated the same.

And by the way, my shoulder started hurting then.  And it seemed to have jolted something loose in the minefield otherwise known as my neck.

So began my love affair with Flagstaff, Arizona, home of many orthopedists.  Hallmark of a ski town.

I got tired of running to doctors after awhile, and decided that some benign neglect might do me some good.  Or you might say I was sick of hearing that I needed this operation and that operation.  Really burnt out, if the truth be known.

Off I went, tending to this and that family emergency.  My wrist and shoulder and neck still felt bad, but not as bad as running to doctors.

When I landed in Tucson for the winter, it made sense to make friends with a local orthopedist about my shoulder, and with a hand surgeon about my wrist.

I had my initial consultations taken care of, and a return visit to the shoulder guy for an injection into my subacromial bursa, which is a fluid filled sac in the shoulder.  It didn’t help.

Then, toward the end of January, I had a terrible fall that tore the shit out of my rotator cuff and did something bad to my wrist.

I went immediately to the hand surgeon, who scheduled surgery, and to the shoulder guy, who sent me directly from his office into the nearest MRI machine.

The MRI shows two full thickness tears in my rotator cuff muscles.  As a bonus, I split the tendon to my biceps muscle in two.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I had my latest hand surgery 8 days ago, I think.  I’m still a bit addled from all that has gone down, so if I get things out of order, that’s why.

I’m told that the surgeon came and talked to me after the operation.  I can’t remember anything, because I was waaaaaaaaay over-anesthetized.  That can happen, especially if the anesthesiologist doesn’t listen when you tell them there is a very big reason you resist general anesthesia.  Some of us need a much lighter hammer.

I had rented an Airbnb room in which to recover for a week, boarded Atina the Doggess, and settled in with my vaporizer and edibles (I don’t do well with opiates).  I hired people from a local home health agency to drive me to the surgery and back and go to the pharmacy and Trader Joe’s for 24 bottles of Trader Joe’s brand seltzer water.

That night, or maybe the following night, I got two phone calls, one from each of my guys.

Shoulder guy: “Well, you have two high grade tears in your rotator cuff muscles, plus your biceps tendon is split.  Other than that, your MRI looks great (except for the rough place underneath another muscle that shows it is getting squashed by something else).  You should be able to put off surgery for a few months…provided you don’t fuck it up again in the meantime.”

He didn’t use those words exactly, but that’s what he meant.

Next call was my hand guy.

“Um, how are you feeling?”

“Just peachy.  What did you find in there?”

Pregnant pause…then he said:

“Oh sweetheart….”

WTF, my surgeon is calling me sweetheart, and I want to know why.

“I’m so sorry.  I thought we were just repairing your joint capsule, but when I got in there with the scope I found that your triquetrum (one of the 8 bones in the wrist) was rattling around loose in the joint, no ligament, no cartilage, no blood supply…so I had to take it out.  Really should have done a first row carpectomy (procedure that removes a whole row of those little bones because once they’re fucked up they don’t heal), but I didn’t have a permission signed for that.   We’ll have to watch this carefully and maybe plan that operation for the future.”

Instead of bawling, I said (with considerable irony),

“Well then.  I suppose I’d better sell that new guitar.”

“Oh, no, no, don’t sell your guitar!  We’ll get you back playing!”

Nice one, Doc, but I’ve been around this block a whole bunch of times.  I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday.  I know as well as anyone else what happens when you start taking out bones.  It’s a slippery slope.

Leave a comment


  1. Oh laura, I am so sorry to hear of all your pain and surgery. i cannot even imagine (i am a wuss about pain). I hope the surgery helps more than it hurt and that you don’t need to go in to have more bones removed anytime soon.

  2. Sounds like that fall in january was much worse than you wrote about. =( You sound like me, but for me it’s ankles and hips, not wrists and elbows.
    *gentle hugs* I hope you heal up quickly!

    • Thank you Xun. I’m so used to getting bashed up and hurting, I don’t even know how to tell if it’s serious or not anymore. I think I need to make with the B12 and folate, which I know I don’t absorb and which can cause balance problems 😡

      Let’s try to stay out of trouble now, both of us and other people we know, shall we???

      Gentle hugs back….

  3. FML

     /  March 2, 2017

    Wow, and I thought I had it bad. I do understand some of what you are going through. Last summer I had shoulder surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff, a torn labrum, and a bunch of other repairs. They had to put in bone anchors to reattach stuff. Physical therapy was painful but helped. Fortunately, I am adept at doing many things with either hand as I have mixed dominance with my hands. Unfortunately, the exercises for my shoulder have aggravated the tendonitis in my elbow. The doctor says I will most likely need surgery on my elbow so I can do enough exercises to get my shoulder healed the rest of the way. My orthopedic surgeon is also the team doctor for the local university’s football, baseball, and basketball teams and I live in an area popular for skiing so he gets a lot of practice and really knows his stuff. It is frustrating for me, I am involved in competition shooting and am having to take a year off because of this. I have been practicing a little, but almost entirely left handed as my right arm is still not strong enough to hold up a pistol without a lot of pain and muscle tremors. His whole mess has not helped my depression, but at least the meds are keeping it from getting too bad.

    I hope that your recovery goes well and that you will get as much strength and dexterity back as possible. I was not aware of your CD, congratulations on that. I know how satisfying it is to create something and get positive feedback on it. If I was still living in Northern Arizona I would be there to help you out in any way I could. I haven’t left a comment in nearly a year, but I have been keeping up with your posts.

    • Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your upper extremity cascade of badness. Funny you mention shooting, because I am sitting midway between two excellent ranges and can’t even imagine lifting my pistols. One of them (Ruger MK II oldie but goodie) got wet and needs to be broken down…yeah, right. I can’t even comb my hair let alone break down a gun.

      That must be so incredibly depressing to go through ALL THAT with your shoulder and now your elbow is blowing up. And all we want is to lead productive lives.

      Where have you gone off to? Left NoAZ! Well, I’m stuck in Tucson, and it’s already getting hot (to me).

      • FML

         /  March 2, 2017

        Ruger MK III with a silencer here. The MK II and MK III series are the worst to take apart and reassemble correctly. They finally fixed that problem with the MK IV that came out in January.

        Lived in Prescott for 8 years back when it was still a small town, then Mesa for about 8 years. Left for a job in West Virginia and now I am in Utah.

        • You are a firearms person! You’ve got the III with the silencer? I’m jealous!

          I lived in Davis County, UT for two years. I had a great time cowboying with the Mormon cow-ladies. I miss the rodeo!

          So I’ve had my Ruger apart once. It is an unbelievable pain, and without two good hands to rub together….ah well. Wish it didn’t have a round jammed so I can’t eject or get the clip out….

  4. Hey sweetie, sorry to hear of the mess with you wrist. I am glad you posted as I was getting worried. I miss hearing from you. Hope you heal quickly and the shoulder can be avoided, but doesn’t sound like it. Thinking of you my dear friend

  5. Damn! It sounds awful…and isolating. That’s alot of pain! Your strength is amazing. Thank God for edibles, but don’t forgo the opiates if it gets really bad. I prefer to sleep through pain.

    • Hi there! Nice to see you!

      Yeah, last night I had this floating nightmare about Torquemada. It was very realistic and scary: he was casual, flippant, even funny. What he really wanted to know was my fears. I knew that, so I was trying to move my thoughts obliquely. I knew he could read my thoughts, so it started feeling like a coyote running down a jackrabbit.

      I don’t handle opioids well. I get unpleasantly loopy, urinary retention, intestines lose tone, and it only partially relieves the pain. I’m an anomaly 😕

      I did get a tiny bit of Dilaudid, not enough to do any good even if I thought it might do me good.


What's your take?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: