The Hero in the Little Bottle, or: Thank Goodness; or: That #!*@$&! Dog!!!

Here is a sample bottle of some hydrocodone medicine.  You can see by the beat-up label that it’s kind of old.  The expiration date is 1995.

It’s part of my emergency kit.  The last time I took one was in 2010, when I was in India and broke my wrist.

Yesterday I was walking on a State Park trail enjoying the late afternoon sun when a lady walked by with her Golden Retriever.

“Is your dog friendly?” She asks.

“Well….sometimes.  She plays really, really rough,” said I.

By this time I had moved off the trail into a little grassy area to give the lady and her dog room to pass.

Instead, she decided to bring her dog over to “make friends.”

Before you could say “Oh fuck!” Atina was in her dog’s face snarling and making that fearsome sound dogs make when they’re fighting.  She was so determined, I found myself helplessly dragged along at the end of the leash.

Then I myself roared into life and dragged her off the terrified retriever, whose owner was triple quadruple terrified.

Atina had not finished snarling when I got hold of her, but she shut her face once she saw mine.

God I just wanted to kick her ass around the block!

I waited for the poor terrified lady and her dog to get back down the trail before I started back myself.  It was getting toward “coyote time” of the evening and I was in no mood for another confrontation.

As I led the now-chastened Malligator down the path, I spied a rock sticking out.  Watch out for that rock, my brain said.  Fuck you, said my body, and demonstrated my foot-drop so that I could trip on that very rock….and fall into thin air.

I saw the whole thing in slow motion.  The hard ground coming closer and closer….I dropped the leash from my left hand and the baggie full of dog poop from my right, and broke my fall with both hands.

Jesus Christ on a bicycle, I have rarely felt such pain!  Now I know why beating people on the hands and feet is such a popular form of torture.  There’s really nowhere for swelling and blood from broken blood vessels to go.  The pressure is maddening.

I’m able to this only because the first-aid measures of last night have much improved the situation.

First I managed to get myself and the Malligator into the van.  This was no small feat, since both of my thumbs were so swollen they were pulling my hands into claws due to the spasms in my thumb muscles.

Once I got inside, the only thing I could do was to sit down and bawl uncontrollably for a long time.

Next I had to remember where I’d stashed my emergency pain pills.  Fortunately my mind’s eye is pretty good, and I located the plastic box where I keep seldom-used meds.  It was dicey getting the box out of the overhead compartment, between my bad shoulders and my completely fucked-up hands.

I took a pill, then sat down to cry some more.  Eventually I remembered the Traumeel, that wonderful arnica-based homeopathic ointment.  It’s great for bruises and any kind of trauma that doesn’t involve an open wound.

And ice!  It required some ingenuity to get the damn ice out of the ice tray, but I did it.

As I was icing, I remembered that I am an acupuncturist.  I got some needles and by pressing my teeth into service, extricated a few from their sterile packaging.  I did some emergency points for general trauma, then did some decompressing local points.  After an hour the spasms had gone from my thumbs and the swelling was subsiding.

This morning my hands are much better, although I fear I may have further injured my already-fucked-up left wrist.  I guess I should call my hand surgeon’s office and make an appointment for next week….

(The Golden Retriever was fine, by the way.  Just a lot of noise and display, apparently, but soooooo NOT okay.  I might get the electric collar out for our next walk.  When she has it on, I almost never have to use it because she KNOWS what it means….)

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  1. Laura, Check it out with the hand doctor. You don’t know what may have happened. If we could just stop injuring ourselves there might be a chance, a little bitty chance, that we could do something positive and wonderful with our lives. I hope you are feeling well today and use your own religion, damn it. “Jesus Christ on a bicycle” is an unfair way to curse. There ought to be a law. No really, I thought you were going to be bitten for a minute. Dog bites hurt even worse. Anne

    • Sorry if my headline offended you. I can actually say whatever I want on my blog. Anyone who takes offense is cordially invited not to read it.

      • well said, madam, well said. yay for free speech!

        and it is true that some dogs just don’t really like other dogs, even if they are great with people, kids, cats, whatever. i once had a coonhound who hated dogs and had to literally demand that people not try to make friends. they just thought it would all be okay to ‘make friends’; or people who don’t use leashes because THEIR dog is dog friendly so therefore NOTHING could possibly go wrong from letting their friendly dog run up to mine that wants to eat it. but you are right about the shock collar-my dog finally got the message as well. as a plus it made him stop baying 24/7 as well, lol, although he did actually eat and destroy the first shock collar we bought. it wasn’t even out of the package and he ruined it. i think he knew what it was. clever dog.

        • Ate the electric collar! That cracks me up! These critters know more than we give them credit for. And she knows damn well what I’m talking about. When I explain to her that it’s about her jumping on that innocent retriever, she cowers down, but she doesn’t look a bit repentant!

          If some a-hole let their off-lead dog run up to her, I hate to think of the cataclysm that very well might ensue. But she’s very good with puppies, thank God.

          Free speech is in enough danger without the self-righteous thought police coming after the only bastion of free expression left to us: the blogosphere. I’m very serious about this. There are blogs I don’t like because they offend me in some way. I treat them the way I want to be treated: I turn the page and find something more to my liking. That’s what I suggest to my recent spate of self-styled “moralists” whose comments are mostly in the trash, since I don’t get into pissing contests with trolls. I simply delete them.

          Some have accused me of suppressing free speech in this manner; my feeling is that they have all the rest of social media, including their own blogs if they are not mere lurkers, to express themselves. My blog is where I exercise my First Amendment rights.

      • I was’t really offended. Just saying, Laura. I defend your right to say whatever you want. I defend my right to say whatever I want also.

  2. I actually thought “Jesus Christ on a bicycle” was pretty creative! 😉

  3. good grief! hope you didn’t injure yourself more than you already are. Sending healing thoughts your way!

    • Thanks, G. I truly may have 😕

      • hope the medical dumbass gives you something for the pain at least. It’s so awful you having to resort to expiration meds. Blame it all on the damn junkies that cause this more pain than we are in. damn fools, the whole lot of them

        • Actually the reason I have expired pain pills in my kit is that I only use them if I’ve had acute trauma or surgery. I’m one of those weirdos who gets dysphoria and maddening itching from opioids. It used to bum me out because I’d have to make a choice between hurting or feeling terrible. Now it’s like, I don’t even want to deal with the pharmacy. The docs are all petrified of this new fascist regime. I hate it for others who need pain relief and can’t get it.

          What really drives me nuts is this new and awful government paternalism. All these “guidelines” plus the “patriot act” (no privacy) means that confidentiality has really gone bye-bye and we are left with an Orwellian dystopia. What sad days for my formerly dignified and mostly ethical and generally self-policed profession….

  4. Yikes! I felt pain just by reading your words. I’ve done that too so I can attest how preposterously painful it is. Not that you needed any validation. Hope the pain has subsided by now and nothing is broken or sprain.

    As an aside, don’t be hard on Atina. It was totally the lady’s fault. Many other dog parents will tell you this. What that lady did was wrong. Dog must be given the space they need. Maybe next time they ask you, you can just say, Lshe doesn’t like to be around other dogs”, or “it will not be safe for you dog to play with her” or something. I know some people use color coded bandanas but then some other people have argued against.

    • Thank you, dear Claudia. That is a very sweet and wise comment! Yes, I need to be very proactive in making sure people keep their dogs to themselves. I can be a bitch if necessary 👹

  5. Being able to be a bitch when necessary is a great asset


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