Eighth Night

The ultimate night of Hanukkah, in the year 5777 from Creation.

And the ultimate night of the civil year 2016.

And the beginning of Yom Rishon, or First Day, that always begins after the sun sets on the Holy Shabbat.

Time to be doing.  Time to be getting up and going! 

I think about my life in the past.  I was always getting up and going, doing, and doing even more!  I was never satisfied with “good enough.”  It had to be perfect.  Everything had to be perfect.  No such thing as “good enough.”

Being sick is pure torment.  I forget all the time why it is that I’m not at work.  I jump up and head for the phone, gonna get some work happening around here, can’t be that hard…OUCH!  Who broke my fucking arm?  WHOA, what happened to my neck???  And somebody’s stabbing me in the heart….what the fuck is going on here?  Why can’t I just go the fuck to work like a normal human being?

Take away my ability to do meaningful work, and you take away my self-worth.  I have a hard time feeling like I’m worth a rat’s ass even on a good day, when I’ve gone in and saved lives…but when I’m stuck on the sidelines, I may as well be dead.  

It would be a lot easier if I could tell from one day to the next, how I am going to feel.  If I knew, for instance, that every Tuesday would be an OK day, that I would go to the bathroom like a mensch, and my shoulders wouldn’t cause me to squeak every time I reached for something, and my brain would not be either fogged over from depression or reeling with the electrical overload from mania…if I could count on every Tuesday being a good day, then it would be possible to get a volunteer gig for Tuesdays.  A volunteer thing would do wonders for my heart and mind.

Too bad I don’t have any good Tuesdays!  Or Wednesdays, Thursdays, etc.

I hate to whine.  I know some people are going to actually read this, and probably will go, oh, fer krissake will you stop whining and get on with it!

I feel the same way. 

It’s been 16 1/2 years since I fell off the balance beam.  I have held on to the notion that there must be some greater purpose in it.  That, you know, it must be part of the Grand Design, that certainly I would be one of those who Triumph Over Adversity.

That has not been the case, at least not so far.  I haven’t given up.  Where there’s life there’s, etc.  It’s just that things are gradually becoming more unpleasant.  I wonder when, and how, this thing will end?

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15 Comments

  1. I’m sorry things are getting rough… I was hoping you would write soon, hadn’t heard from you in a while. People say its a difficult time of the year but truth is, often it feels like every day is a difficult time of the year.
    Happy Channukah… wishing you pain-free days in your near future.

    Reply
  2. Maybe it’s the end of the year that makes us think about purpose. I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of days. It seems unnatural to be here on this Earth, alive and breathing, and yet have no purpose except survival. To eat, sleep, think, and breathe every day, but to what end? Does every living thing need a purpose? Is being able to work and support yourself the most important purpose? Do I need a purpose?

    I dunno 🙂

    Happy Hanukkah, Doc 🙂

    Reply
    • Good questions. I’d like to think there’s some kind of purpose to being body slammed every time I move. I do know enough to be grateful that I can move at all. But to what purpose? Right now I have my dog to take care of. That’s an immediate sort of purpose. Not the kind that gets a wing of a building named after you, but I do get doggy hugs and a grateful companion out of it. Keeps me alive for now.

      Reply
  3. Happy Hanukkah Laura!!! Maybe we can find out what our purpose is on this earth before we leave it. I know I love hearing from you here and it makes me feel part of this community to be understood and cared about my blogger friends. Sending hugs and New Year wishes that 2017 will be a great year!

    Reply
  4. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re whining. It seems like a perfectly understandable real loud out there scream of anger and frustration. That’s better than silent weak and gutless acceptance.

    Reply
  5. I understand one’s identity linked with self worth. You’re not whining. Your soul is in pain and you are suffering. You are suffering greatly and expressing yourself is a form of healing of mind and soul. I wish there was a wand I could swoop over your head and make things bearable, give you your Tuesdays to volunteer. Is there no form of volunteer you could do from home? I’m an animal lover and want to volunteer at the local SPCA, but can’t be the euthanasia part of things. But they also want volunteer graphic designers, so that’s what I’m going to apply for. And it accommodates my sciatica and bipolar moods. Just a suggestion. Or doing tapes for the blind? Foster kittens?

    Reply
  6. i too have a battle over self worth linked to not working in so long. for a long time, my kids gave me that purpose, but now they are grown and gone. so why am i still here? what is my raison d’etre?

    Reply
    • Wouldn’t it be great if we could just stand up, shake it off, and reenter society? I get all kinds of “useful advice” about what I could do…I guess it’s impossible for most people to understand. I don’t understand how I ended up this way. It’s just not fair.

      Reply
  7. “A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” Kurt Vonnegut 🙂

    Reply

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