Bloody Hell.

It started up again last night.  My guts have been low-grade bleeding for…a long time.  It’s become kind of a fact of life.  I’ve come to accept it.  I do get mad that it wrecks my RV holding tank sensors, so I can’t tell how full the tank is.  I have my work-arounds for that, but still.

I get frustrated that I have absolutely no energy to do the things I love doing: hiking, dancing (my spine gets in the way of that too), dog sports, or anything that requires being up and around and away from a toilet for more than an hour.  Shopping leaves me exhausted for days.  I put off going out until I’m out of absolutely everything.

Apart from my holding tank sensors, the part I resent most is my hair.  It’s falling out.  I’ve got a bald spot in front, right above my hairline.  I really should see someone about this, but I’m just so damned tired.

Last evening just about sundown I went to take a crap, and whaddyaknow, a big blob of bloody mucus came out.  Ugh.  Well, thought I, I hope that’s the end of that!

It wasn’t.  

True that even a teaspoon of blood looks like a lot when it’s on toilet paper.  It is quite the shock.  

My first impulse with things like that is to find some alternate explanation.  Toddlers, for example, often ended up in my office, accompanied by a red diaper and a panic-stricken parent.  Most of the time the culprit was that awful red dye they put in Jello and “red” Koolaid.  Excellent teaching opportunity: don’t feed your kids anything you don’t want to see in their diaper!  Beets will also cause red diapers, but not as shocking.

I have eaten nothing red of late.  Not beets, or red Jello, or even the lovely rare steak I’ve been plotting to burn on the grill.

There’s a bit of dullish pain in my gut, nothing I can’t ignore; and a characteristic tinkling bowel sound that only occurs when I bleed.  I once recorded it to play for a doctor, but erased it after my last horror show encounter with the bozos they now call “physicians.”  I can’t wait for the robot docs.  At least they will hopefully be more objective.

When I started getting frank blood coming out of my poor ass, I considered packing up and heading for the local ER.  Then I considered what would happen.  Procedures.  Possibly admission.  A tube in my nose.  Antibiotics.  Colonoscopy.

You know what?  I’ve been there and done that.  My body can’t tolerate the steroids they shove at me.  I don’t want to get C. Diff.  In fact, I want nothing to do with the medical establishment.  At all.

I had plans for today: there is a knitting club at the RV park where I’m staying.  I wanted to pick the brains of the people who actually know what they’re doing.  I’m too damned tired.  I don’t seem to have bled enough acutely to bring my hemoglobin down, but I didn’t have to take my blood pressure pill this morning.

I’m tired.  I’m grieving the loss of my son.  I’m grieving the fact that I never had a real mother, even though I tried desperately to make her into one in my mind.  I feel like I lost my family in a fire.  But they’re still alive.  

Susan Sontag’s book Illness As Metaphor has provided me with a paradigm in which to understand my in illnesses, but not the one she herself offers.  Sontag was more about the way society stigmatizes  certain illnesses.  To my way of thinking, my illnesses are loud metaphors for my inner ecological disasters.

Bleeding Guts= I’m torn up inside

Asthma= I’m suffocated by the people and circumstances I live with

Spine disease= no support

Bipolar= No stability


In case you’re wondering, I’ve worked with these metaphors for decades, trying to find some modicum of healing in therapy, NLP, hypnotherapy, support groups, even witchcraft!  I went to India to work with an Ayurvedic guru.  I’ve worked with healers from every continent on the globe.  

And although I can say that the metaphors do help in terms of putting sets of symptoms into a context, I cannot say that I’ve derived one iota of benefit from all this omphalospection.

If not for the Biggess Doggess, I would certainly pack it in.  It seems odd that I would stay alive and suffer for a wolfish beastie.  Somehow I just can’t let her down.  She has been through so much!  A victim of trafficking, quite literally, used and thrown away.  With love and care, she’s flourishing.  I can’t bear the thought of her going through any more trauma.  She totally freaks if I leave her sight.  I’ve committed to staying alive as long as she lives, if I can.  

We’ll just have to see what happens.

Leave a comment


  1. Seems like the hair loss might be due to anemia. Dude, you want some of my blood? I’m not using it for anything. πŸ™‚

  2. I hope you get to feeling better soon…
    Sending soft Hugggggs to you…

  3. I’m sorry about your serious problems, but I might be able to help with the hair loss: Biotin.

    My sister-in-law always had limp and thin hair until she started taking Biotin – now she has much thicker, fuller hair. I decided to try it and am very pleased to notice that my hair is growing much faster. When I stop taking biotin, I always restart when I start noticing more and more hair in my brush. 2-4 weeks later, my brush has far fewer strands in it.

    The worst side-effect is that finger and toenails also grow much faster, requiring frequent trimming. At least it proves that it’s working.

    • I used to use biotin with my horses to strengthen their hooves. I’ve never had this particular type of hair loss before.

      • Are you feeling any better today? Most of the time I get a better perspective after a night’s sleep – but I know that that’s a problem for you too.

        Wishing you healing and strength to make it through this day, and all the others to come.

  4. sending you lite and love
    Whatever is making you tick
    Stay with it
    That’s what I do
    Reason,Purpose,and balance
    Stay thirsty

  5. thinking of you my friend. I am worried. I wish I had the words to comfort you to get to an ER. Bleeding out isn’t the way to go. Love you lots. G

  6. Crap. 😦

    How about an MVI or 20? You can start there – it might give you enough oomph to make it over the hump. Better than probings and steroids, eh? When I’m done taking care of the broken-hearted, I’ll be your chef, chauffeur (if you’re feeling adventurous), and voice. All you have to do is sit there and fart awesomeness. Whaddya say?

    • Sounds good, and you’re the man to do it! Trouble is, I’m not sick enough. Sick, but not sick enough. I’m sure you know what I mean. The bleeding is small intestine and of course the scope can’t see there so it’s just such a hassle. MVI would rock. Also it’s crazy how getting older affects care. They really don’t give a shit about older people with chronic illness. I guess they figure if you made it this far, um…something. Shoulda kicked off when I was younger πŸ˜†

  7. Ok guys, I feel dumb, what’s MVI?
    Now. Bleeding from butt, not good. You smart woman, you know bleeding from butt is not good. You WILL do something about it before it gets bad, right? πŸ™‚
    I stayed around for my dog many times. She was worth sticking around for. I can see more reasons now, but you only need one.
    Working through some deep stuff in therapy, mourning the loss of my family. I empathize with your words.

  8. That don’t care
    Especially if they can’t fix it
    Their ego gets in the way
    I know how you feel Laura
    I’ve been having the same thing
    They got me on this new stuff
    Some kind of supplement
    As always Sheldon

  9. Get the Biotin- it works and for God’s sake is there not something to stop your bleeding gut? Is it Chron’s that you have? Terrible sentence but oh well. πŸ™‚

    Sending light and warmth your way. Love and hugs, Yvonne

    • Thanks, Yvonne. Not really, unless they take the whole thing out, which doesn’t solve much! Unfortunately, medicine doesn’t have much to offer except putting out fires here and there. For Crohn’s. Steroids, which I have a very bad reaction to, and now biologicals, which I’m too old for (they have bad toxicities). Weird.

  10. I am so worried about you dear one, please get help if your gut keeps bleeding. I hate that family can mess us up so badly, you don’t deserve it!!! I am so glad you have your fur baby, it does help to fell their love. I lost my little Pomeranian a year ago and still miss Bear so much. Please take care of yourself, I am sending you hugs!

    • Thank you, Ava. It’s down to a dull roar now. Hospitals terrify me; death does not. I’ve lived most of my life trying to keep people on this side of the veil. One thing you must know: the minute I give them my med list the show is over. I’m just a crazy old woman to them. I literally don’t have time for that. I think I have some time left, but not a whole lot. I’d much rather spend it watching Sherlock Holmes and Marlon Brandon movies (when he was young and hot, hot, hot!!!), snuggled up with my Wolfess in the bed.

      Condolences on losing your Pom πŸ˜• they are so sweet. Dogs can wiggle their hairy selves into your heart….

  11. Laura, good thoughts for you feeling better! Geez…you’ve had too many medical challenges! Never seems to end. So very sorry! πŸ’› Christine

  12. Midwestern Plant Girl

     /  December 1, 2016

    So sorry about your butt. I’ve had your minor bleeding.. not enough for me to see, butt enough to show up on tests. Nothing ever came of it…after many invasive tests. HEY! That’s an outtie NOT an innie! 😣
    I hope you can regain some strength back. Give Atina a kiss for me. 😘

    • Sorry you’ve had your keester invaded by aliensπŸ‘Ύ Glad nothing “serious” came up, but I’m sure that’s mega frustrating to have occult blood and symptoms but no explanation 😠

      Kisses for Atina coming right up! Hugs to you and your gang ❀

  13. It sucks you have to go through all this, but I’m glad you have that lovely pup to snuggle with πŸ™‚

  14. =( This is the kind of post I hate clicking like on, but sometimes I just want you guys to know you’re read and people care.
    I get the hair thing. I beginning to wonder if I’m going to have to cut mine off. It’s coming out in handfulls right now. Usually that means thyroid for me. or it did until the brain tumor started bullying everything else. Have you checked your thyroid?

    • Hi, OK, you have to tell me what to call you!

      I really appreciate your commenting, even though it’s not such a happy post.

      I’ve had my thyroid checked, oh, about a million times. Always normal, even though my temperature never gets above 36.5 and often hangs around 35. There must be something interfering with some part of thyroid hormone action/metabolism, but it makes no sense because if something were happening in the peripheral system like antibodies, it would cause changes in TSH. Also I’m losing weight instead of gaining. Oh well.

      Brain tumor, yikes! What type? Were you operated? Hugs for you!!!

      • Lol, usually it’s just Xun (pronounced Zoon….like zoom, but with an N =) )or Cris if that works for you (my given name). I answer to both. And occasionally…HEY LADY!

        I have hypothyroid and I’ve noticed my hair starts falling out when I’m stressed, or my levels or off. Definitely sounds like something going on. Would another autoimmune (chrohn’s, IBD) cause some thing that too?

        They typically call it a trigeminal meningioma or shwanoma because they can’t get a biopsy. Too close to my brain stem it seems. Basically it’s sitting up against the left 5th cranial nerve and these days it’s affecting my swallowing. I had radiation,but surgery isn’t an option.

        I hope your belly is settling down. Hugs for you too!!

        • Damn. I’m sorry to hear about that. I think you need Philippine Psychic Surgery. No knives. It’s supposed to work. Hard to get outside of the Philippines, but not impossible.

          It’s become clear that I’m coming down with something…headache, emotionally sensitive…er, MORE sensitive LOL…so that explains the exacerbation of the guts and who the fuck knows why my hair is falling out. No appetite today, and the innards are thankfully quiet. Maybe I’ll just fast for the rest of my life…nothing in, nothing out, right???

          • Yay for the belly quieting down. But nothing in, nothing out is only going to work for so long =( Then it’ll just be…..nothing.

            Maybe a reaction to food? Or stress plus food?

  15. Yikes. I had a dear friend with Crohn’s and colitis, as well as heart issues, so I can definitely empathize, Laura. I can definitely see your point with HAIs being so prevalent; on a dispassionate note, it will be interesting to see how infectious disease specialists combat C. diff, VRSA, and MRSA et al and arguably in (or almost in) the post-antibiotic era.
    But, ye gods, I wish and hope something could be done, at least palliatively, for you. Are you able to get access to home care (not hospice, but a visiting nurse or something)? [not trying to be nosy there, myself; I’m sure you’ve considered all angles]
    Nonetheless, I, too, am glad that you have a fur friend there to ease the pain and stress. If I were spiritual, I’d pray for you. So, I just have to send my best thoughts and energies and hopes for you to have as many pain-free days and nights, or minutes and hours, as possible.

    • Thanks, Leigh. I think the main defense against nosocomial infections is to keep people out of the hospital. I’ve been following research on hospital beds, nurses, doctors, and everyone else as fomites, and it’s terrifying. Fortunately I’m not in pain, apart from the usual arthritis. I don’t live in a house, so that makes home care a bit problematicπŸ˜‚

      Thank you so much for your kind thoughts❀

  16. Oh, lovey… Much prayer going on here for you, and for Atina keeping you going. Xxx

    • Thank you my dear❀. Yes indeed, I need your powerful prayers (you are a Prayer Warrior!). Do please pray for Israel. The country is cleaning up from the terrible fires, but just like so many times before, no one is going without anything because people who have intact shelter are taking in those whose homes were burned. But this is by no means the end, as we have ISIS sitting on our northern border now. Remember Bethlehem and Mother Rachel!

      Blessings xxx

  17. So sorry to hear about your struggles.. you exhibit amazing strength, just reading this one post; it comes across so strongly. I love your idea of metaphors for illnesses. Bi-polar: no stability.. i have scizophrenia, and would perhaps represent that as: no certainty. But I have a lot more now than I did ten years ago. So hope you are doing ok πŸ™‚

    • You have such huge challenges. I have had some very scary experiences with psychosis: hallucinations, depersonalization…was on antipsychotics for years, then developed extrapyramidal symptoms and had to stop.

      I’m going over to your blog now and see what’s up for you! I really appreciate your comments.

  18. I have bleeding ass problems from long term damage from eating disorders. But nothing equal to your severity. I know the shock of seeing a slaughter house toilet bowl. Not fun. I also believe in the metaphysical meanings of ailments/illnesses. You have a harsh hand of cards dealt. I hope you find solace in your four-legged unconditional friend. And always your friends on WordPress. It disturbs me that you suffer so much. I hope over the next few hours or days your tummy will become peaceful xxx

  19. I’ll admit I didn’t read through all the comments but bleeding is never normal (my late husband igored it and well, he is “late”). Are you gluten intolerant (I am) or celiac? It does suck!

    I spent a couple of nights with a friend in the ER and she shared a room with an elderly gentleman who we later found out had C-Diff… Well my immuno-supressed friend (cancer patient) got it as well! 😧

    But I have to say that in the year that I spent in and out of the hospital when my husband was sick, I myself never even caught a cold.

    Did you eat something with gluten? Hope your bleeding and pain goes away…

    • Celiac sucks! I guess it’s possible that something glutinous might have gotten into my food. I make that as unlikely as possible by not eating out, but you never know. I live on rice! Who knows.

      What was it that carried your poor late husband away?

  20. Has the bleeding stopped?
    I don’t eat out either… My husband died of colon cancer. One of the symtoms he ignored was bleeding… I feel bad that I knew and didn’t make him check it out. I didn’t know it could be serious… now I know way more medical stuff than I ever wanted to.

    If you’re celiac and bleeding you should get it checked out!!


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