Rain On The Brain

It’s raining again in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  I left my precious Arizona, hot but at least high and dry, to trade in my trusty Jenny the Chevy camper for the 24 foot house on wheels that I ordered back in November. 

image

I’ve been sick ever since my arrival last Thursday.  Stress is a bitch!  And for me there is nothing more stressful than moving, even if it’s from one mobile dwelling to another.  I get completely disoriented with all my personal shit strewn around.  Disorder breeds more disorder. 

Speaking of disorder, my dear doggy is completely discombobulated.  All her two favorite hangout places in our previous van are gone.  Like moi, she’s having to adjust to this new space and new lifestyle, all of a sudden. There’s lots more room for her to stretch out in the aisle, but I’ve configured the bed in a way that is unacceptable to her, so she is sleeping in the driver’s seat in protest.

I’ve been in awful, unremitting pain ever since I left the lovely dry Southwest.  Humidity kills me.  My spine is screaming; likewise my shoulders, hands, and hips: all the arthritic places.  And wouldn’t you know it, I had a Crohn’s flare-up start the day I moved my stuff from Jenny into my new rig (whose name might be Betsy).  I finally got the blood stains out of my brand new plastic toilet this morning.  That’s one of the lovely things that come with a Crohn’s flare: shitting blood.  I’ve got a sore throat, headache, and spent last night alternately chilling and sweating.  Fucking immune system, where are you when I need you?  Either running hot or on vacation, and sometimes both at the same time.

My sweet doggie came to see me about dawn.  She must have been listening to me shifting uncomfortably around in the bed, trying unsuccessfully to find a pain-free position.  She tried to worm her way into bed with me, but she is still a puppy, albeit a large one; and in the process of her thrashing around trying to cuddle up with me, she accidentally slashed my throat with one of her claws, and razored me up pretty good. 

My sleep deprived, paining self overflowed and I began to wail.  Poor Atina fled to the driver’s seat, and required a great deal of comforting for the rest of the morning.  She feels terrible when she hurts me.  She knows I am fragile, and tries her best to take care of me. But she is large and ungainly.  Accidents are bound to happen.

After applying first aid to my gashed and bleeding throat, I sat down with my new vaporizer and medicated.  I felt better.  I started the day.

Yesterday it rained.  Today it rained.  I’ve grown accustomed to places that don’t steam all the time.  I intend to make my way back West, where I feel good.  A friend called me a little while ago, from Glacier National Park.  He is not a formally religious man, but he said that Glacier felt to him like knowing God.

God and I have been on the outs for some time, so I think I’ll head over to Glacier and see what my friend is talking about.  I wouldn’t mind having a God experience.  My mind needs a jump start.

image

This far corner of Montana is 1,713 miles from where I currently sit.  And that doesn’t take account of my planned side trip to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

image

The arrow is supposed to point to the Upper Peninsula.  The little blue dot at the bottom is where I am now. So the whole trip will be a big adventure with my new motorhome as I learn its ins and outs. 

I’m glad I temporarily have the ability to do this kind of gypsying.  I won’t always.  Finances and ill health will eventually clip my wings; but I’ll keep on as long as life lets me.  I’ll go as long and as hard as I can, and be gentle with myself too.

That’s my spiritual discipline now: giving myself permission not to do, but to be.  I get depressed.  I say, OK, I’m depressed.  It will pass.  I use cannabis as part of my medication regimen.  It works.  It helps me get through the depressions.  It helps me feel better.  Isn’t that the point of medication?

None of the meds we take for brain pain are “disease modifying.”  They don’t work unless we take them.  If we stop taking them, they stop working.

Cannabis will break me out of a suicidal depression.  It helps me engage with the world, with my environment.  I feel creative.  I can cook and clean up, take a shower, talk to people.  I don’t lie around crying all day.  I’m still depressed, but I’m more functional and less likely to hole up isolated.

Sometimes I’m just too sick though, like last night when I couldn’t even think well enough to pick up the vaporizer till my dog broke me out of it by slashing my throat.  Well, it was over the top, but it changed my state, so I guess it was all right.  Hope the wound heals.  The skin right there is awfully thin.

I hate it that I’m too disabled to work.  All I want to do is to be in my own office, healing the sick.  But I’m too sick to heal anyone, not even myself.  This mobile lifestyle helps me to not go crazy mourning my lost calling.  It’s a distraction, true, and that’s what I need.

It’s interesting to see how campgrounds are places of refuge for the mentally ill and physically disabled.  Of course no one you meet will say, “My name is Doris, and I’m mentally ill.”  Nope, she will say she has a bad knee, or something legit like that.  All the talk about getting rid of the stigma surrounding mental illness has done absolutely nothing compared to the speculation about the “mental health” of the various recent shooters.  Hell, if I were to tell some campground owner that I’m bipolar, you can bet they would be fresh out of campsites.  Mental cases not welcome anywhere…not openly, anyway.  But we’re here.  We are transient; we float from place to place.  We keep quiet and don’t cause trouble.  But we don’t disclose. 

When will the Mentally Ill Matter? 

Maybe never.  We’re the Invisible Minority.

Previous Post
Next Post
Leave a comment

20 Comments

  1. Do you find that cannabis helps your bowel issues too? I’m pleased as punch that it’s easing the burden of depression. That has to be a relief. Humidity stinks. Everything is worse for me, esp crohn’s, when it’s hot and sticky. Bet you can’t wait to get outta there!

    Reply
    • Yes, it helps a lot with the inflammation and pain. I get tenesmus (irritation of the rectal bulb, which makes one feel as if they need to go but nothing comes out😠) from inflammation, and the cannabis helps with that. The bleeding, though, seems to have to run its course, and the exhaustion just, well, you know. In Chinese terms, we’re were affected by Damp Heat, which manifests in internal inflammation and excess of Blood. External weather conditions can aggravate or ameliorate this. For me, dry cold is the best. Heat of any kind makes me sick.

      A good friend reminds me that I have climate control: it’s called “wheels” 😄

      Reply
  2. I love your new digs
    good luck with it
    Go west young lady
    As always Sheldon

    Reply
  3. Love your new home! I hope you feel better soon so you can enjoy your adventure. Mental illness will always be an invisible illness, people are too afraid its contagious! Ha!

    Reply
    • Thank you for the well wishes! Yes, I’m afraid you’re right….I find it interesting that through activism and awareness campaigns, HIV has become almost without stigma, yet mental illness remains taboo. There is Mad Pride in Canada. I don’t think it’s been such a hit in the U.S. though. I really think that without a robust media campaign and other forms of activism, we will remain Boo Radleys.

      Reply
  4. Love your new home. Hate that you are so sick atm. Such a great point about the “bad knee”. Be well, Laura.

    Reply
    • Thank you, Ilex! We’re about to set out on our maiden voyage to the Mysterious Northern Territories of Michigan, then West to Montana! Have a great summer, looking forward to your great chronicles of the adventures of the Midwest Plant Girl!

      Reply
    • Thank you, CC. “Bad knee,” hah! I’ve been uncovering some hair raising references to “mental health” in the news. Future post. Love you!

      Reply
  5. California is a medical marijuana state and I’ve talked with my pdoc about it a few times, but no prescriptions for me. They do have fly-by-night doctors located next door to the pot shops, but I haven’t gone that route yet. Interesting to see that it works well for you.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    Reply
    • Hi Bradley, if it’s any help, there’s a video course on testing depression with cannabis on the Green Flower Media site. It’s a bit more complex than it used to be…it’s important to choose the proper strains based on terpene and cannabinoid profile. Self education is a must! The fly by night doctors are often well educated. The ones who certified me in Arizona are terrific. Keep me posted, and if you have questions on where to find reliable education, turn to Green Flower and Leafly. They are wellsprings of information.

      Reply
  6. So sorry to hear of your body attacks 🙁 Hopefully all this crap will be over itself quickly!
    Congrats on Betsy! I hope she takes care of you. Atina will figure out her spots soon. My boys freaked in the new camper for the first few trips, but soon found their nooks.
    Safe travels my friend!

    Reply
    • Thank you, Ilex! We’re about to set out on our maiden voyage to the Mysterious Northern Territories of Michigan, then West to Montana! Have a great summer, looking forward to your great chronicles of the adventures of the Midwest Plant Girl!

      Reply
  7. Your new digs look very spiffy and will be for you, I hope, much better suited for your travels and or wherever you live. I haven’t seen one like yours on the roads but I think you did well in selecting that one. It looks sleek and roomy. I sure hope it holds up well for you. I couldn’t tell exactly what make it is but I thought I saw a Ford emblem?

    I can only imagine your pain. It is horrific to be in so much pain. I’m glad that your vaporizer provides some relief. I talked to a 59 year old woman with a bad back and she has a pain pump. She doesn’t get out of bed for days. I so wish that Texas would legalize medical MJ.

    Take good care, dear lady and I’m wishing you and Atina safe travels.

    Best regards, Yvonne

    Reply
    • Aww, Yvonne, you’re so sweet! My rig is a Roadtrek. The “house” is built on a Mercedes Sprinter chassis. It’s a diesel. It’s fun to drive, which is an unexpected pleasure! I had expected it to drive like a dinosaur😄

      Reply
      • Oh wow. That’s a good rig if it’s built on Mercedes chassis. I have never heard of a Roadtrek but I have now. I find any kind f automotive or machine interesting. Love to look at new ones as well as old ones.

        Reply
  8. I’m currently on holiday with my family (ie staying at my parents’ and seeing my sister and her kids every day) for a few days so am trying to catch up on posts. I hope the new digs are working out and that you’ve survived the trek. I’ll find out, so no need to reply to this particular comment!

    Still sending love and prayers. Xxx

    Reply

What's your take?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: