Sonovabitch

Went downstairs
Getta glassa cider
There I saw the bedbug
Foolin’ around with the spider
And then
Went down agin
Getta glassa gin
Sonovabitchin bedbug
Doin’ it agin

One of these days I’ll figure out how to put sound files (like, me singing, eek) on these posts.

Sonofabitch.  Two weeks ago, or maybe three, I don’t know, time is all mashed up these days–I had steroid injections in both shoulders.  Hurt like a sonofabitch, but what to do, my xrays look just like those mace things the barbarians used to swing on chains, in order to bash people’s heads in.  I mean, they have these bumps and stickers growing out of the ball part oft the joint, diving into my ligaments and muscles and cartilage and whatever else they could stick into.

My left shoulder felt real good after a couple of days.  Right one, not so much, but better, I’ll take better.

No pain meds, we don’t do pain meds anymore, don’tcha know.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning to find that I couldn’t get out of bed the normal way. 

I sure started to, but the pain in my left shoulder gave me those black spots in my eyes and I had to lie back down and contemplate for a while.

After a suitable interval, and largely because my dog was standing by the door with her legs crossed, looking sad, I hove around and slid out of the sack, grabbing onto the towel rack (remember I live in a tiny RV where things are all squashed together) with my right hand YOW! 

Sonofabitch.  The right one too.

As if the cortisone wore off of both of them, synchronized, just like that.

I guess that is what happened.

So now what the fuck am I supposed to do?

This was my second set of injections.  So I did a little reading on the topic, and found that each injection can poke little holes in the shoulder cartilage, until eventually you need a joint replacement.

Uh, no.

But even worse, doing nothing will eventually lead to a joint replacement.

Mmmmm…..no, no likee.

Gotta find me a good acupuncturist.  I know one in Tucson.

Hell, I am a good acupuncturist, just real hard to hit those points on the upper back.

But sonofabitch, I’m stuck in Western North Carolina.

I had big plans to start heading West last week, but being a weather buff, I looked at the maps and said “nope.”

Good thing, because I would have headed right into that bad line of tornados and mayhem.

Driving around doing random errands, I scraped the bottom of my RV on a sharply angled driveway, and next place I camped I noticed nasty stuff pouring out the bottom of the rig.

Shit.

That’s what it was.

Somehow that minor scrape opened up a pipe joint (hey, that sounds good) in the sewage system.  All well and good, since I was parked at an RV repair joint..rollll another one…

But no.  It was a couple days before Christmas, and nobody was working.

I called RV repair joints all the way to Florida and the Midwest.  Same story.

But good news!  I got an appointment for this coming Wednesday!  Only eight days I will have been hanging around here.

But bad news, if they can’t fix it on the spot…it’s my home, you know…And if they take out stuff in the sewer system, that’s real bad, because I use it…a lot…between the fucking lithium that causes me to pee every five minutes to the Crohn’s that goes in cycles, but when it goes, it GOES…

Well, my full-timers rider on my RV insurance will pay for a rental car and a hotel room if my rig is out of service, but sonofabitch, I don’t even have a single one of my vast suitcase collection with me.

Why would I?  I live like a turtle.  All my stuff goes with me, wherever I go. 

Just another small conundrum.  The RV life is never dull.

In the meantime I’m stuck here in beautiful (not) Marion, North Carolina, where there isn’t even a Cracker Barrel.  That’s how small it is.

But it does have a rental car place, which got me all excited till I called them up, and the rental agent told me sadly that they don’t have any cars at the moment.

Oh, and there isn’t any lodging here, either, not even a Motel 6.

Oh well, something will turn up.

My mother, who lives 45 minutes from here in a place that makes Marion look like a booming metropolis, offered to come and get me.

Noooooooooooo!   I’ll sleep in the woods first.  Have done so before.

In the meantime, I’m back in bed, writing this on my phone with one finger and trying to keep from moving, so I don’t hurt my shoulders.

Atina the Malligator has her 70 pound self draped across my legs, warm and heavy, sweetly sleeping, but still scanning the environment with her ears: they are always on duty.

She is a sweet treasure, my Atina.  Living in close quarters, we grow more and more in sync with each other.  She doesn’t like to let me out of her sight, so I just tie her leash around my waist, and she is content to go where I go, do what I do.

I think that’s the way dogs and their people are meant to be.  Together all the time.

If I’m somewhere safe, without cars or people or other dogs, I let her off the leash.  She still sticks close, but the difference is, she carries a toy around with her and bugs the shit out of me to throw it for her.

Which I have no problem with, except my bum shoulders don’t allow for long throws; which means in two seconds she is back with the blasted toy, wanting me to throw it again.

Where is the ten year old kid when I need one?  They could throw the damn ball while I’m busy, then disappear till I need them again.

But I’m happy to see her all waggy and full of doggie joy, so I throw and curse, throw and curse, until I see she’s had enough.

Sonofabitchin bedbug
Doin’ it agin

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38 Comments

  1. The Grundlands

     /  December 27, 2015

    sounds like you had a scotch or two…the poetry sure is flowin’ nice…love you liebele…refua shleima xoxo

    Reply
    • I WISH!!!! The lyrics are from a **funky** old song (should have made that more clear, I guess) Doesn’t EVVABODY know “The Bedbug and the Spider”? Love you too, sweetheart…with any luck I’ll be in Grand Rapids in February…y’all still in sunny (yeah, right) Ontario?

      Reply
  2. It took me ten minutes what that word was
    Sonofabitchin I just mite have to use that
    I’m sorry for your body pain
    I know it all to well
    But you always seem to figure it out
    Hang in there
    As always Sheldon

    Reply
  3. sorry to hear you are hurting. Hope you feel better and can get a car and hotel/motel soon

    Reply
  4. Wish I was a laparoscopic surgeon and could go in and remove those spines from that ball joint. I have some hip and knee joint cleaning up I could do on myself, too. But, I’m not. Your pain sounds terrible. My husband’s had quite a bit of shoulder pain recently with one of his shoulders going out of joint regularly. Too much laxity in his shoulders. Sometimes life just sucks. Glad that you have the love of your dog.

    Reply
    • These bodies were only intended to last about 30 years in this iteration of human existence. I’m actually really glad we don’t have to trudge through, like, a thousand or so like in the Bible. Nah. But they probably had better health, and certainly better food, and they lived outside in tents and all that healthy stuff.

      Ligamentous laxity is a big drag. Now, that might be a good thing for laparoscopic tightening, no? Is that a done thing?

      I also wish you had xray vision and could do psychic surgerysurgery. Think how popular you’d be! But keep a slot open for me, OK? All I have to offer is acupuncture and medicinal custom perfumes. I love to barter!

      Reply
      • Since I’ve never attended medical school, we’ll have to wait a long time for a true barter. I guess the power of prayer is the best I can offer. Just said a prayer for your shoulder joints.

        Reply
        • Thank you! Prayers are good barter material, as are beads and other shiny objects, neck massages, cups of hot tea, interesting conversations, trips to the nearest botanical garden, etc.

          What I love about barter is that each person has their own special gifts that are unique to them. So I might have a dynamite veggie soup, and you might have some fabulous gluten free rolls…shazam! Dinner on the barter system! I hear through a friend who’s involved with this that there are intentional communities that work entirely on barter, no money exchanged for goods and services. Isn’t that wild???

          Reply
  5. That was a great misery guts on the road grizzle and whatever post about you and the dog and very very bloody e voc a tiv. There do be a lot of people with a problem or two who give up. Guess y’ not like that.

    Reply
    • Thank you, johnsstorybook. It is, in fact, a bump in the road compared to other misadventures. And, consider the alternative: I could be living in wretched misery with my narcissist mother, who, at 89, can still slice one to ribbons with her tongue. I’d rather sleep in the woods.

      Reply
  6. Life is a bitch for sure. Why must some people get more than their fair share of too many bitch happenings? Guess it doesn’t matter. You just keep trucking and hang on for dear life. Sure hope you get some pain relief for the shoulder. Most of all I’m glad that you have your loving dog.

    Reply
    • Thank you! I do like to whine, but when I consider all the people who have lost everything, including loved ones, in last week’s horrible tornadoes and floods, well….a ruptured sewage line and rotten joints seem pretty darn insignificant. I do get to bitch about them, though…And my dear sweet puppy is such a comfort….

      Reply
  7. Oh Laura
    I felt really bad for you as I read about the cortisone and your shoulders – been there and done that unfortunately. It’s certainly is a kicker when they wear off so quick… Someone, somewhere has a nasty sense of humour! I can really empathise with Atina too.
    My pooch is very small (3kg) when she’s wet! Surprisingly enough she gets awfully heavy when she’s lying on my legs – especially my knees. Throwing the toys made me wince – only 12 months old she wants more play and if be pulled around like a broken log jam if I tied her to my waist.
    Must start writing again – you’ve given me the incentive to begin again. Thank you 💗

    Reply
    • Hi, I’ve missed you! Please do start writing again. Will your little baby ride in a backpack? I can only imagine her getting twined around your legs till you both capsized, if you were to tie her around your waist! My girl is about 33 kg and her head reaches my waist, so it’s very convenient for both of us.

      Nerf has a new toy (I think it’s Nerf, maybe it’s Chuckit) that’s something like a bazooka, you pop the ball in and pull the trigger and the ball shoots out. I used to use a tennis racquet in the olden days B.A. (Before Arthritis) but sadly, no more of that either. Some days I find myself being glad that Atina is sick so I don’t have to throw the ball much and she’s tired. That’s terrible, isn’t it 😦

      Reply
  8. You put your pain into quite humorous words. So sorry for what you’re feeling. I know Marion well. Did you think about trying Asheville (or is that where your mama lives?) I live in a small town much like Marion…there’s one McDonalds’ here and not much else.
    Hope everything gets better. Hugs.

    Reply
  9. I can’t hit the *like* button on a post full of misery. I can relate to your despair with painful shoulders … but thankfully I have only one that hurts chronically. I’m seriously considering surgery as a solution. Interestingly, mine hurts MORE when I’m laying down. Ugh.

    Wishing you a quickly fixed pipe joint, more interesting surroundings, and a painfree new year 🙂

    Reply
  10. Laura…how do you do it? How do you manage to fill your posts with such humourous words, despite the pain and misery your facing? Sending you hugs if you want some. That shoulder pain sounds nasty. And I am so glad you have your dog! Mine is always with me too and thats just how I like it. XX

    Reply
    • Dog is love!

      Really, my situation is so minor and easy compared to most of the rest of the world. I just need to vent about my own **shit** and my blog is my therapist, mainly, and you lucky readers get to wallow in my self pity…so as a reward for putting up with all this crap, I also have an almost endless treasure trove of ridiculous funny stuff, which has rubbed off on me due to my life of hanging around with musicians, artists, hobos, drunkards, and thieves. By the age of eight I was already branded “undesirable” at school, so I have had a lot of time to get used to my lot in life.

      Thanks for the hugs! Right back to you!

      Reply
  11. As soon as you described your shoulders, I thought two things. First: OUCH!! and Second: Replacement time, meep!

    Hope you can find someone suitable to use you as their pincushion to make the pain go away. Xxx

    Reply

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