heavy heart full of pain

My friend here has (fortunately and unfortunately) captured what I feel when I’m profoundly depressed. I wonder if it’s like that for everybody. How about you? Can you share? I feel like sharing our experience of our illnesses is empowering. One of the signatures of depression is isolating oneself, or being alone in a crowd. If you feel like having a conversation about this, I think it might be helpful to a lot of people.

midnightdemons7

Heavy heart full of pain

I have been in a funk the past few hours. I thought it was because I didn’t eat for several hours but I had dinner and my heart sunk lower than it did before eating. I feel really miserable. I just feel really depressed and I don’t know why. That is the hardest part of dealing with this illness. It just takes so much just to go from a to b. I did a lot today but I still feel like I am useless. I feel like I have no purpose. I texted my therapist to tell me it is worth one’s while to live, but I haven’t heard back. I honestly don’t expect a response. She probably will give me a response tomorrow.

I just feel like my heart can’t take any more pain that I am feeling. It is getting to be unbearable…

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16 Comments

  1. I’ve feeling physically a mess it’s making me even more than usual,I mean depressed not
    I feel you
    Prayers and peace
    Stay focused
    Hugs and Wiggled
    😦

    Reply
  2. You’ve been with me since the beginning
    You get
    Those two make you very special
    Emotions are there because
    Yet emotions don’t define who we are
    Sure I am depress
    But more than that
    I am a Sheldon
    Because I am

    Reply
  3. I don’t suffer from depression, but I understand desperation. When I read a post like this one, I feel so… utterly… helpless. Helpless to help. There’s nothing I can say that will make a difference. In fact, knowing me, I could say something that would make things worse…

    One day, someone will invent a way for me to blow marijuana smoke over the internet, and then maybe I’ll be able to help. 🙂

    Reply
    • When I’m in the depths of a suicidal depression, the best thing anyone can say to me is, “I’m here, I care…would it be OK if I check in with you later?”

      For me anyway, that’s what helps. Sometimes people say, “If you need anything, just call.” But I can’t call, because I’m paralyzed. And I wouldn’t anyway, because…like what happened to midnightdemons when they texted their therapist, which was a huge thing to do in the first place when doing anything at all is like moving through cold molasses, let alone actually asking for help, which is like punching through bullet proof glass with your bare fist…And the answer was? Nothing. So normally non-depressed people just feel helpless and stay away, and plus which we are, let’s face it, a downer. Who wants to be around someone who just…won’t…cheer…up?

      I will put on my “happy face” if I can, but most of the time I just keep the door shut, don’t answer the phone, and let other people think what they want. But it is nice to know that someone will really care enough to call, even if just to leave me a caring message, or text “how are you feeling, call if you want, let’s have coffee,” or leave a reply to your blog post. It’s like putting ice on a burn. It doesn’t make the burn go away, but it feels better while the ice is there 🙂

      Reply
  4. misericordia

     /  November 25, 2015

    It is pain, isn’t it? Real pain. I have felt my heart physically ache along with the psychic pain. (A doctor might suspect indigestion and prescribe Pepto-Bismol for this.) This is the thing that people don’t understand. That it is actual pain, and not simply feeling down in the dumps. I recently used the term “psychic pain” when speaking to a pdoc, which made him look up from his notes and peer at me intently for a moment.

    I see you have called your blog Midnight Demon, but I wonder if you are also visited by the Noonday Demon? This is the title of Andrew Solomon’s book on depression, which you may very well have read. I am going to take a leaf from his book to hold up a lens to what you said about not getting used to depression. I know just what you mean. The will is defenceless against the oncoming tide. But Solomon gave me a weapon I didn’t know I had, which is that you can send signals to yourself to keep the despair at bay.

    “I believe that words are strong, that they can overwhelm what we fear when fear seems more awful than life is good,” Solomon says.

    And: “When you are depressed, you need the love of other people, and yet depression fosters actions that destroy that love. Depressed people often stick pins into their own life rafts. The conscious mind can intervene. One is not helpless.”

    Reply
    • In my experience, that is not true, and not only is it not true, but it is accusing the victim of a lethal illness of refusing to alleviate their own suffering by “stick(ing) pounds in their own life raft.” Clearly Solomon never experienced real depression, or he would have known that there is no such thing as people WANTING to remain depressed, or sabotaging themselves, or refusing to accept help. Those of us who hover on the brink are often in therapy for years and years and years, taking every medicine there is, undergoing shock treatments…oh god, if there were a possibility of “snapping out of it” by repeating some words, there would be no more suicides! There is nothing, absolutely nothing, more painful than to not be able to pull one’s self up by one’s boot straps, by means of positive self-talk, talking to others, reading inspiring literature, etc etc etc. If you have the kind of depression that can be held at bay with words, count yourself very fortunate indeed.

      Reply
  5. Thanks for letting me know what helps. I’ll keep your thoughts in mind when I come across bloggers who are in the depths of depression. Nothing fancy, just… I’m here and I’m listening. 🙂

    Reply
    • Thank you for understanding. Yup, when a person is in deep depression there’s nothing but time and knowing there are people who do care whether they live or die. For some people the hospital works. I’ve had many, many TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments, which do work like magic for me. I think I’m about ready for another round. Take good care of yourself!

      Reply
  6. Still sending you love & hugs. ❤

    Reply

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