Packed With Wholesome Goodness

And it’s heart-healthy, Zero Everything, Good For You, and 100% Whole Grain (OK, the grain is white flour, but still).

Where have I just come from, dear readers?  Planet Claire?  Well, yes, and they also have grocery stores.

I would like to find the advertising executives who work for the companies that use this vapid copy. 

Can I write for you?  I can put together asinine slogans such as, “Filled With The Wholesome Goodness of Heart-Healthy Whole Grains.”

I actually saw a number of combinations of these exemplary examples of advertising copy, as I was cruising the aisles looking for what I really wanted, which was of course buried among the Good-For-You foods.  I don’t really like things that are Good For Me, as a rule.  I mean, I do like them, but at the moment I am too depressed to prepare them, let alone eat them; so I am making do with Heart-Healthy microwave meals, which are much too small for the calories contained.  Did I mention I’m a recovering anorexic? 

It was really terribly amusing to amble through the aisles noting the repetitive, monotonous descriptive cliches.  Any reasonably motivated blogger could make a pile of money cranking out Zero, Good For You, Wholesome Goodness, with a little Delicious and Nutritious and maybe Yummy thrown in to clinch the deal.

Since all advertising has to adhere to the Stick To Eighth Grade level of literacy rule, I guess “Scrumptious” is out of the question.  It’s ninth grade.

On a positive note, I discovered a brand of gluten free Oreo knock-offs that promise to be “Wonderously Rich.”  Splendid! 

They made it as far as the van before I took a scissors to the wrapper and sampled them.  It was my duty.

I don’t know about Wonderously Rich, but let me tell you they are CRUNCHY and DELICIOUS!  It’s very difficult to find crunchy and delicious gluten free cookies.  I ate two.

Speaking of ad speak, what’s this garbage about (fill in the blank)-free?  What are these things “free” of?  Disease?  Germs?  Lead?

Caffeine.  Gluten.  Lactose.  Fat.  Sugar.

Hell, in the olden days we used to say things like, “sugarless candy,”  or “skim milk (that’s fat-free), or even “diet pop,” which might have been sugarless, but it was never caffeine free.  What’s the point?   You want a bump, maybe you don’t want 240 calories (you want to know the caloric content of anything?  Just ask any anorexic), but decaf soda?  Ridiculous.

It was an uplifting experience, strolling down the supermarket aisles and sneering at the creme-filled, whole-grain, heart-healthy cupcakes.

Bon appetite!

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14 Comments

  1. Bon appetite.

    Reply
  2. Crap. Now I’m craving a cream-filled, whole grain, heart healthy cupcake…Ok, maybe just cream filled cupcake…no, seriously somebody bring me a cupcake. Sigh. Still struggling with a food disorder, if I had the cupcake, I’d read the label until the cupcake dried out and crumbled in my fingers before it would make it to my mouth.

    Reply
    • Meh. I’m right in there with you. Look, for both of us, since I can’t eat gluten….find a yummy cream filled cupcake, any flavor you like (but preferably chocolate), close your eyes ( get the really good kind without a wrapper!) and bite into it. After the first shock of doing it, chew, savor the flavor of it, the texture, the way it feels in your mouth. Then, either swallow or spit it out, whichever makes you happy. If you tend to purge, please don’t, this one time. I know how incredibly anxiety producing this can be. One bite is enough, but however much you can manage is good. Since I can’t eat it, you can have mine. If I had it, I might just eat the whole thing, but more likely cut it into quarters and eat it over two, three days. That’s me. I do find gluten-free cupcakes every once in a while, and I cut them up and hoard them, eating them little by little! I enjoy them immensely in my own slightly weird way.

      Reply
  3. We all have our way special little tricks, don’t we, us eating disordered folk. I would eat the cupcake, but not eat anything else for the next day and a half. And just to make doubly sure that the fat didn’t stick, I’m swallow half a bottle of laxatives. Chewing and spitting would probably be easier.

    Reply
  4. Healthy cupcakes? What? That’s totally an oxymoron, like “military intelligence” or “good morning”. Cupcakes are definitely not supposed to be healthy, they’re supposed to be a lovely indulgent treat that we love but know we’ll have to run around the block six times if we eat more than two, for crying out loud!!!

    Reply
    • Yes, but they make you feel sooo good! All those feel-good endorphins, you know…ssshhh, next thing you know we’ll need a prescription for cupcakes! Think the NHS will go for it?

      Reply
      • The NHS runs on adrenaline, caffeine, nicotine and good will, on a normal basis. Right now they’re also fuelled by anger at Mr Hunt and his proposals for Junior Doctors. Which basically means anyone who’s got the MD but isn’t a consultant. I reckon they’d be happy with cupcakes, provided they too can get them!

        Reply
        • Well, having been a Junior Doctor once myself, I can attest that most of my patients would have experienced a full recovery with a dose of good will and a prescription for a good cupcake or two. All of the other stuff, they already had 😉
          Wait, I MUST make a ticket to come and visit with you, once I get everything else in order. Or perhaps your Prioress will give you permission to cross the water and help me? I know where there’s a very good cupcake shop, and I do need the help. It would be a charitable mission.

          Reply
          • It would be wonderful to have you. I’d love to travel to the USA but can’t see it happening any time soon. Maybe I could manage to tag it on after Canada, if I ever go on the exchange we have with the Sisterhood of St John the Divine in Toronto. Xxx

            Reply
            • Well, Toronto is on my list, since I have a dear friend there and some business to do. Let me know when you will be there, and if it’s not the middle of winter I may just wander up! Or likewise if you’d like to see Niagara Falls, that would be an easy place to meet.

              Reply
  5. It’s an acquired taste eating cardboard
    I gotten use to it
    But listen what do you eat when the weather changes and there’s the nagging joint pain
    Or when you try to get out of bed in the morning and you can’t move
    Stiff is not gluten free
    As always Sheldon

    Reply
    • Oil can! Said the Tin Man.

      That’s what I say, if I can.

      Which I generally don’t, because when the weather changes, both my joints and my brain are so stiff, if I didn’t have a dog (soon also a puppy!) to let out and feed, I would not get out of bed at all. That’s one reason I have them, to force me to move around.

      I feel thy pain, brother of mine!

      Reply

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