I Feel Like A Jerk

Have you ever felt like a jerk?  Huh?  Have you?  Sure?  Noooo, not really!

Well, I do.  I feel like a total jerk.  It’s one of the manifestations of my complete and total discomfort with Who I Am.

Yes, and it’s part of the problem with being an Aspie.  Yes, I know I haven’t written about being an Aspie before.  That’s because I didn’t have a “formal diagnosis,” just a lingering suspicion buoyed up by results of countless online quizzes.

I have confronted my psychologist about this a number of times, and she has hemmed and hawed about it, and said things like, “Haven’t we been over this ground before” and “You know you are, so why do you need a formal diagnosis?”

DAMMIT, I NEED THE FORMAL DIAGNOSIS SO THAT WHEN I TOTALLY FUCK UP AND MISINTERPRET SOMEONE’S INTENTIONS, I CAN LOOK AT MYSELF AND INSTEAD OF FEELING LIKE A TOTAL JERK, I CAN SHRUG AND SAY, “I’M AN ASPIE, AND ASPIES OFTEN MISINTERPRET PEOPLE’S MEANING, THAT’S ALL.”

She doesn’t get it.  She is so awfully, awfully neurotypical, it’s starting to get on my nerves.

One of several reasons I feel like a jerk at this moment is that I have already actually been a jerk twice that I know of, just this week, and it’s only Wednesday; and I suspect that one of the jerkees might have outed me to another person whose esteem I value, thus spreading the jerkness high and low.

And still I hear Dr. What’s-Her-Name saying, a bit irritably, “You’ve got plenty of diagnoses already.  What do you want with another one?”

I want a reason for why I misunderstand people all the time, for why I’m so naive, for why I get taken in by people with ill intentions all the time, for why I never, ever, for one moment have felt like I belong on this planet.  THAT’S what I want.

I want this diagnosis to be formalized so that when I do some stupid thing for an Aspie reason, I can just go ahead and say to myself, “Well, there you go, being an Aspie again, you couldn’t have seen that one coming but please try not to do that one again.”

She can’t fathom why in the world having a diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, NOS would be such a comfort to me.  I have tried to get her to understand:

VALIDATION, VALIDATION, VALIDATION.  Did I say it loud enough? 

No, probably not, because I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic and saying yes, of course, I know you’re an Aspie, so why are we even having this conversation?  Or conversely, no, I don’t think you’re an Aspie, so why are you harping on this?

Ugh.  I don’t know why I have to fight for a formal diagnosis of the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF MY SELF-NESS of all.

Yes, I am bipolar, have ADD, PTSD, LMNOP alphabet soup…But the one thing that has given me my triumphs and caused the most pain is Asperger’s Syndrome.

Syndrome.  Not disorder, although it has served me up plenty of disorder.  Yep, we even talked all about the various types of miseries Asperger’s has got me into.

But really, I feel like a jerk, and I don’t even want to explain why.

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11 Comments

  1. sorry you feel like a jerk. I understand the validation part. It must be so frustrating. hugs

    Reply
    • Thank you ❤. It is frustrating. I know you’ve gone through this yourself, with your own situation. What we need is for our caregivers to actually LISTEN to us and not try to impose their idea of authority on us. Hugs back…

      Reply
  2. I understand & agree, simple VALIDATION!

    Reply
  3. They just don’t get how something being confirmed is like a lightbulb going on in your head.

    When you know what something is, it’s a hell of a lot easier to deal with, because you know what the root of the thing is. If someone gets sick and goes all yellow, there are several reasons as to why they’ve done that, but treating all possible causes is a waste of time and money when it may just be they drank way too much carrot juice.

    Reply
    • You are a woman after my own heart. My motto has always been: First diagnose; THEN treat. Seems like something out of “Alice,” doesn’t it? Logic…something so pervasive in all our machines, yet absent from modern thought in general.

      Reply
      • Plus which: kudos on the carrot juice overdose! Are you perhaps an old juicer yourself? Er, ah, a young juicer, I meant? Oh, you know what I mean😊 And you are absolutely right. You could go “eek” and start down the first of many blind alleys, or you could stop, look, and listen, and advise perhaps a month of celery-Apple-ginger juice instead😆

        Reply
  4. Well I really don’t think you should be feeling like the jerk. Your doc should have done her job, and that’s that. As I read blog upon blog, I’m continually shocked by how our health care providers just want us in and out of the office. Just fucking diagnose me. And yes, I get that you’d want the diagnosis of being an Aspie (new abbrev. for me). It is a validation to know that your thoughts don’t shake out like everyone else’s, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    Reply
    • Thank you, Sandra. I don’t understand her unwillingness to provide me with the label that will help me to accept my “otherness” as a known entity, so that I don’t feel so alone, but instead part of a population that feels similarly. She feels like my lack of relationship to other humans can be explained by other things, and I see where she’s coming from. I just wish my psychiatrist hadn’t retired just when I need him, but these are not the only shrink type people in the world, so I may look elsewhere, or I may simply accept the label without their “justification.” Time will tell.

      Reply
  5. Not a jerk at alll…I agree with your motto…diagnose and then treat. How else are you going to know what the treatment plan is? Kind of what I was mentioning/rambling about in my comment to you. Validation is so important. Everyone deserves it. xx -CC

    Reply

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