Anyone want to come help me? Yes? I’ll send you my coordinates.
I’ve been gone from The Studio (as you certainly remember, I lived in my late dear Daddy-o’s ceramics studio, without plumbing, for four years, while he was in the process of dying in his house up the hill) since March 4th, and the spiders, as my son so eloquently said, “have set up shop in there.”
Have they ever!
When I first got in–my mother having had her handy man jimmy the lock since I hadn’t left her a key and she wanted to look at my mess, so the lock is now, uh, fucked up–all I could see, as far as the eye could see, were webs, with those charming little sticky balls containing future little baby spiders stuck up in them.
They were everywhere. Everywhere. I had to fight my way in with one of those disposable dusters on a long handle. Ugh!
Think hobbits stuck in spider webs in Mirkwood. That’s how many webs there were. Good thing my poor relative, who has a phobia of spiders and their webs, was not there. She vomits when she sees even a little thread left over from a web. Imagine the mess!
It is fortunate that at this season, at this latitude, the female spiders have already eaten their paramours and laid their eggs away in spider egg-cases, tucked them to bed in special egg-case-webs, and died, died, died!
Now there are dead spiders everywhere. Ewww! Had I returned even a month ago, I would have been greeted by 2,000 square feet of–ugh–live spiders!
I HATE SPIDERS!
Yes, I know they have a job to do, and they have been doing it very well, to judge by the piles of empty bug shells piled around the spider corpses. Some of the bugs are fucking HUGE. I don’t know what they are, and I have never seen them around here before, dead or alive. The huge bug shells are lying next to the giant spider carcasses. EWWW!!!!
And the spiders themselves…ranged from the little bitty kind that I used to find in my bed when I lived there…to the horrid Brown Widow, whose bite contains a potent neurotoxin..to the enormous fleshy tarantula-like Wolf Spider, whose dried-up corpse is bigger than a quarter–ugh! I’m sure there are some Brown Recluses among the remains–why not? I’m very glad they’re all dead.
Well, almost all.
Even though I set off four bug-bombs that said they killed all types of spiders, I still found several little ones lurking under furniture when I moved it. That makes me nervous about the larger pieces, like the enormous walnut breakfront and the smallish but very heavy chest of drawers, which I can’t move.
After filling up three large vacuum canisters with dead bugs and spiders and webs, I felt so sick that I had to repair to my camper van to avoid the fate of the above-named relative. Tomorrow is another day.