Meditation On What’s To Come

I’m very depressed today.  In fact, I’ve been depressed for weeks.  I’ve been waiting for the usual release and often subsequent high, but it’s not happening. 

Maybe I’m in the dumps because my sweet doggie is slated to have a very major surgery this coming Tuesday.  She has to be completely opened up for a kidney biopsy.  In humans, a kidney biopsy is not such a huge deal, but dogs are made differently and it’s harder to get at their kidneys.  Also, the sample has to be a pie shaped wedge, rather than a simple needle biopsy.

There’s a 3% chance that the biopsy may turn out to be a necropsy, which is veterinary-speak for autopsy.  If I didn’t have to prove that her kidney failure is not due to anything I did, I would not subject her and myself to this ordeal.

But since the (fill in the expletive) woman who sold me this dog cooked up the outlandish tale that I somehow caused this dog to become mortally ill within hours of my acquiring her, when actually a couple of hours of observation were all that it took to come to a reasonable list of possible diagnoses, she asserts that I invalidated her contract and her obligation to make things right.

My loyal regular readers, to whom I am incredibly grateful, know that in addition to my bipolar disorder, I have ASD, Autistic Spectrum Disorder.  Now, in most respects I don’t consider being on the Spectrum a disorder.  It gives me many of my special talents, especially the ability to analyze things minutely and precisely, which is what makes me a superb clinician.

What I lack, though, is the ability to read people.  I read animals, because they are direct and transparent.  They are generally (with some notable exceptions) incapable of deviousness and deceit.

The human animal sometimes specializes in this.  There is a subspecies of homo sapiens called the “confidence man/woman,” whose talent is to appear so incredibly honest and empathetic that the person who is being duped places their confidence in this person, despite mountains of evidence that this person is a fake.

That is why I rely on a service dog to sniff out evil people.  They are very good at that. 

This time, however, the very service dog I thought I was buying, with money I cashed in from my life insurance policy, turned out to be a very sick dog, which I should have noticed due to her extreme emaciation.  I forget what the seller’s excuse for that was.  Oh right, there was no excuse.  I thought it was because the poor dog was loaded with worms that she looked so pitiful.  This I also found out after I had shelled out $12,000 for a “fully trained” dog.  OK, she knows “down, sit, heel, come,” and a couple of other useful commands, all of which I am capable of training, myself.  Pretty basic.  I could go on about this, but that’s not the point of this particular post.

So the long and the short of it is that I am now, after a month of test after test, facing a major surgery on my dog, who has no idea what lies ahead for her.

She looks much better now than when I bought her.

Her coat is glossy, her body responded well to plenty of high quality food and water.  She is still weak, and I have to watch her carefully when we play her favorite game: frisbee.  She leaps joyfully into the air to snatch the flying disc, and comes tearing back with it like a little kid: “Again!  Again!”

Anyone watching her would say, “Look at that happy, healthy dog!”

But after a few throws her hind end tires out, and I have to be careful to stop before she gets injured.  She would go after that frisbee till she collapsed, if I let her.  I don’t let her.

The whole thing seems like an impossible task.  I feel like I’m slogging through a lake of molasses.

So when this Ted Talk showed up in my email I thought, there’s nothing random.  Here it is.

Previous Post
Leave a comment


  1. So sorry to hear about your dog’s trials. Prayers for her–and her dear owner!

  2. I’m sorry this is happening. I will be keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers. I hate evil people. I would fry them all in gasoline.

  3. Dear Laura,
    Pardon me if I sound preachy but I was surprised when I was meeting certain kind of people again and again. As it turns out I was not taking my soul lessons well. This episode has turned out may be to tell you that you need to judge people more before taking any big decision specially when you are in foreign lands and all alone.

    I think Dogs are more strong than humans and their capacity to bounce back is incredible coz they have no doubting mind just pure faith. Your sweet doggie will be healed.
    Plz take care of yourself. Stay strong and stay at peace.

    Love and blessings.

    • Thank you, thank you, and I accept and internalize your blessing. Our New Year is coming up soon, and this is the Birthday of the World. We chant that: Today is the Birthday of the World. On that day, everything is made new. Everything is possible. So with your blessing, so much the more so. I bless you back.

  4. I know how it feels to have a cloud over your head and no way out
    I have been feeling like this for quite some time
    But there’s always a lite even when it can’t be seen
    Call to your healing spirit Laura
    You will feel better soon
    Your a fighter
    That why I love you
    Stay focused
    As always Sheldon

    • Thank you, Sheldon…I will welcome the light when it comes, but for a long time now whenever light shows up it is soon stamped out…So I no longer trust the light. I will find myself a cave, sheltered from the rain and cold and heat, and there live out my days as did the famous wizard of old, and many of my lineage.

  5. Sorry your pooch and you are under the weather and you have the added hassle if this dog breeder/seller too. Hope you can get some peace soon and a bit of sunshine in your life.

  6. Midwestern Plant Girl

     /  September 5, 2015

    I hope everything works out in your favor. It’s so hard to deal with another human who really isn’t human, but a demon in disguise. I hope Karma works her magic on that witch.
    I’m thinking of you and trying to send warm thoughts your way.

  7. I’m thinking of you and praying for you and your dog. You deserve so much better. Take extra special care of yourself during this time.

  8. I’m sorry hoy and the dog are going through these troubles. And that woman…as if not taking care of the dog is bad enough, she’s also taking advantage of others? Some people, I swear.

    • She is a psychopath. Evil, uses psychology to manipulate her victims. Eventually she will make a mistake and go to jail where she belongs. She might already have made that mistake.

  9. I am almost speechless after reading your post. I wish that person was more upfront with you. I related with “to sniff out evil people” for me. I had a California Wolf/Shepherd mix (Nisha) that trained me, not the other way around, the best friend I could ever hope for. She was very good at letting me know who was good or not.

  10. Perfect. “It may not be impossible. It may not even be very, very hard, But, it’s just that I don’t know how to do it.” Don’t know how to do it YET. He figured out how to do the seemingly impossible with an amazing team of people supporting him. You have an amazing team here supporting you. I pray that you and your veterinarian are able to help your dog. You and your dog are in my prayers.

    • Thank you, Kitt. The vet team is very pessimistic, with good reason, but miracles happen all the time. With my team behind Atina and I–all of you, with prayers and good energy, are a big part of my team–I’m praying for a miracle. Atina is the sweetest little baby, and I want her healthy!!!!

      • Poor sweet heart. It really hurts when you cannot help someone you love who is in pain or is ill, whether that loved one be dog, child, spouse, parent, or friend.


What's your take?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: