My Aress is Gone

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This is Aress, yesterday morning.  Ten minutes later he was dead.

A truck pulling a horse trailer went by on the dirt road that I take to get to this hilltop where Aress and I used to live.  Aress went after it.  I called him back to me, and he came.  I held onto his collar while the trailer went rattling by, but it was too much for him and he broke away and ran after the trailer.  I ran down the road screaming his name, and then I saw his body.  The trailer had run over his head.

I threw myself down on top of his body and screamed and screamed.  Buzzards were already gathering.  I screamed the few yards to the van and got a tarp to protect his body from the vultures, and I lay back down in the road holding his body and screamed and screamed, and kept on screaming till the horse trailer guy came back, and I somehow dialed the number of the woman I bought him from and screamed, “Aress is dead!” And then I screamed until she got there and picked me up off his body.  Then some people came and dug him a grave and buried him.  I screamed all night.  Now I’m just crying, and I don’t want to scream because I have another dog to keep me company tonight, but she is sick and I don’t want to upset her.

Maybe this is instant karma for taking Noga’s life.  Maybe his job on earth was finished.  Maybe life has ZERO MEANING and it’s all an illusion.

Maybe it’s so fucked up I can’t even find words to express how fucked up it is

He had become my friend, my brother, my protector from all harm.  He was the only family I had.  THE ONLY FAMILY I HAD, for fuck’s sake.  And he was gone in the blink of an eye.  And now I’m alone, more alone than I’ve ever been.

PLEASE don’t try to tell me I’m not.  I. Am. Alone.

Last night I came the closest I’ve ever come to using my suicide kit.  Instead I took drugs and screamed and screamed and screamed. 

It’s not over yet.  This loss might be too much for me.  My heart and soul were melded with his.  I just don’t know how I can keep on living without him.

“God”?  There is no God.  There is NO God.  If there is some kind of evil thing that causes this kind of damage, may it shrivel and die.  But of there is something called God that causes this kind of damage, may it suffer the same fate.  To create me, a damaged person, to bring a beautiful healing soul into my life so that I begin to see meaning and then without warning to rip my beautiful soul away?  BULLSHIT there is no good in the world, only evil and buzzards and I don’t want to be in a world like this.

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27 Comments

  1. I am so sorry.

    Reply
  2. Ahhhh shit. Poor boy, I’m so so sorry for your loss. This is for you.

    A Dog Has Died (Pablo Neruda)

    My dog has died.
    I buried him in the garden
    next to a rusted old machine.

    Some day I’ll join him right there,
    but now he’s gone with his shaggy coat,
    his bad manners and his cold nose,
    and I, the materialist, who never believed
    in any promised heaven in the sky
    for any human being,
    I believe in a heaven I’ll never enter.
    Yes, I believe in a heaven for all dogdom
    where my dog waits for my arrival
    waving his fan-like tail in friendship.

    Ai, I’ll not speak of sadness here on earth,
    of having lost a companion
    who was never servile.
    His friendship for me, like that of a porcupine
    withholding its authority,
    was the friendship of a star, aloof,
    with no more intimacy than was called for,
    with no exaggerations:
    he never climbed all over my clothes
    filling me full of his hair or his mange,
    he never rubbed up against my knee
    like other dogs obsessed with sex.

    No, my dog used to gaze at me,
    paying me the attention I need,
    the attention required
    to make a vain person like me understand
    that, being a dog, he was wasting time,
    but, with those eyes so much purer than mine,
    he’d keep on gazing at me
    with a look that reserved for me alone
    all his sweet and shaggy life,
    always near me, never troubling me,
    and asking nothing.

    Ai, how many times have I envied his tail
    as we walked together on the shores of the sea
    in the lonely winter of Isla Negra
    where the wintering birds filled the sky
    and my hairy dog was jumping about
    full of the voltage of the sea’s movement:
    my wandering dog, sniffing away
    with his golden tail held high,
    face to face with the ocean’s spray.

    Joyful, joyful, joyful,
    as only dogs know how to be happy
    with only the autonomy
    of their shameless spirit.

    There are no good-byes for my dog who has died,
    and we don’t now and never did lie to each other.

    So now he’s gone and I buried him,
    and that’s all there is to it.

    Reply
    • I can’t express how beautiful a gift this is. Bless you.

      Reply
      • Blah & Laura,

        Forgive me for repeating what has been written, but Neruda’s last two stanzas deserve an echo:

        There are no good-byes for my dog who has died,
        and we don’t now and never did lie to each other.

        So now he’s gone and I buried him,
        and that’s all there is to it.

        That’s all there is to it.

        Reply
  3. laura, i am so so sorry for your loss of Aress. he was a beautiful, loyal and loving dog, and he loved you. and you made his days happy, just as he did yours, and this is just such a terrible, terrible, accident. i don’t know if i could recover from it either, but certainly even if i did, it would take a while. you have had so much loss in your life recently; you have barely had time to recover from one to move to the next. it seems this is just the most you can hold and you need lick your wounds, tend to yourself, until you recover enough to step out into life again, and try to move on. again, i’m so so sorry this had to happen. remember, we all out here love you too, and we all send our love and caring and supportive thoughts, and you can always contact me if you like. take care, and heal.

    Reply
  4. I am sorry to here this.

    Reply
  5. Laura, I am so very sorry! I give you energy to get through this tragic loss! Christine

    Reply
  6. megalion

     /  July 21, 2015

    Keep screaming. Only thing that will get you through this IMHO.

    I screamed for hours when I lost my own life companion.

    Just kept screaming til it felt ok to stop.

    FYI, as a long time volunteer with dog rescue, I believe you did absolutely the right thing with Noga.

    But yeah, why on top of all else you’ve been dealt, must Aress be taken from you? I don’t have the same kind of bond with my dog crew now that I had with the original three, Bastian was the last of them. So very much the two of us facing the world together.

    Keep screaming, keep hanging onto the planet (as I call it), there just may be more beauty still ahead before its truly time to go. That’s what I try to keep faith in.

    Reply
  7. megalion

     /  July 21, 2015

    Keep screaming. Only thing that will get you through this IMHO.

    I screamed for hours when I lost my own life companion.

    Just kept screaming til it felt ok to stop.

    FYI, as a long time volunteer with dog rescue, I believe you did absolutely the right thing with Noga. You went to every extreme to try and solve the issue. I commend you for having tried that hard. And for letting her go rather than try to rehome her.

    But yeah, why on top of all else you’ve been dealt, must Aress be taken from you? I don’t have the same kind of bond with my dog crew now that I had with the original three, Bastian was the last of them. So very much the two of us facing the world together.

    Keep screaming, keep hanging onto the planet (as I call it), there just may be more beauty still ahead before its truly time to go. That’s what I try to keep faith in.

    Reply
  8. No words Laura. Noga , Aress uff just terrible.

    Just remember the words of someone that dogs take on the bad energies harming their masters. This is the extent of their loyalty. Totally unparalleled in the world.

    May you heal, the wounds are deep yet they should coz that is what the beautiful souls of Noga and Aress would want.

    Reply
  9. There isn’t enough sorrys to ease your pain
    I know this pain all to well
    I will send you lite and love
    As always Sheldon

    Reply
  10. I won’t make with the hugs here. I know that when I’m really upset, I want people to stand way the fuck back. So instead — I acknowledge the validity of your feelings. I acknowledge the depth of their pain. And, for my own selfish reasons, I hope you continue to stay existing on this planet because your absences would sadden me.

    Reply
  11. Placid's Place

     /  July 21, 2015

    Ring someone Laura… Ring a help line if you need to but ring someone and tell them how you are feeling. Don’t do anything that can’t be undone. you are in the midst of grief; fresh, raw and extremely painful grief. Share this with someone who can help you and don’t do anything you won’t be able to live to regret. I second everything Raeyn said.. Even on here, you are not alone.

    Reply
  12. The Grundlands

     /  July 21, 2015

    Oh my gosh Liebe. I’m so so sorry. Wish there was something else to say. Sending hugs and so much love.

    Reply
  13. I wish comfort finds you among the chaos of life. Please take care and scream and cry all you want. . Just nothing further. The pain will change over time. I send my love and comforting vibes to you.

    Reply
  14. I’m at a loss for words, but I am keeping you in my heart. Please reach out to someone near who can help you. You have gotten through so much in your life, Laura. You can get through this too, as hard as it is. We need you here!

    Reply
  15. My heart gone out you for your loss. My dog is in rough condition with an unknown outcome, so I can relate with the loss you are feeling. I have lost another dog to cancer. I wish peace as you morn the death of your dear friend and protector.

    Reply
  16. Liebe, We have not met. You know nothing about me. I can only imagine your devastation. My husband of 49 years was terribly ill this year. It was thru G-ds miracle that he is alive, when 3 months ago he was unable to walk with severe CHF. Do we praise G-d only with what we perceive as good? It’s all good. Gamza La Tova.
    You are a full, capable, feeling neshama. I have learned a world about you.
    How did I come to know Liebe Shulman? This will make you laugh (I hope) at the Hashchaka Pratis. I write a blog (savyatseventy) and wanted to know the name and address of the hardware store on Agrippas where I had gotten some instruction. When I googled “Hardware Store on Agrippas” your blog came up!
    You endured a lifetime of tzorus taking care of elderly parents. Yes, there were no siblings to help, to comfort you, to mourn with you. The redeeming factor was that there were no crippling arguments. My mother lived with me for a year and I would not have given that up for anything, as difficult as it was with my siblings.
    While you were in Jerusalem, we probably crossed paths many times. Today, I talked to my friend and yours, Nechama Wells, while I was in the middle of reading your post. She said that just today or perhaps a day or so ago, she picked up your sidur in Beit Knesset. You made a donation, a dedication to the building of Hashem’s holy place.
    We are calling out for your return.We are in mourning for the Temple we lost as now we are in the 9 days. Hashem is homeless without his place. We need you here.There may not be comfort now but you will (B’H) be granted comfort.
    I don’t think it’s just “comfort is coming to you, Magia Li Nechama”. You have all the Kaylim you need.
    Draw them up, as your resources are very deep.

    Yes, you are alone, not sure where. You are not safe. Come home.
    Ida

    Reply
    • Blessings, Ida. Share a hug, please, with Nechama, and put my neshama in the middle. I am so glad for you and your husband, ad 120 be’simcha. I am no Iyov, I am no Reb Gam Zu, I think ” Gan ha’emuna” is….I won’t say. One day I will bring my dogs and form a kennel to breed family protection dogs for our people. That will be my contribution to our safety, do our children can play in our own yards and sleep safe in their beds. I lost more than my personal soul mate in Aress. I lost my stud dog for my breeding program. When the time is right I will come home, armed for our people.

      Reply
  17. Ava Savage

     /  July 21, 2015

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you can recover in time and maybe be able to rescue a poor sweet dog that has never known the love you have to give. You are so loving towards Areas and I hope you will share that love with another lost puppy someday. Wishing you love and healing.

    Reply
  18. I am so so so so sorry, Laura. So very sorry. I can hear the anguish in your words. It is not karma. It is not your fault. Shit happens. Shit just happens.

    Reply
  19. savemefrombpd

     /  July 21, 2015

    This is so sad to read Laura. Tragic. I can only imagine how difficult this must be to ‘accept’. I send you my love from the Holy City. Thinking of you.
    Please take care of yourself.
    xxxx

    Reply
  20. Oh my. How extraordinarily awful. I am so so sorry 😦

    Reply
  21. Beloved readers, thank you so much for your kindness. Please do not feel hurt if I can’t answer you individually yet…I still can’t deal with it…I love and appreciate you all, and I dearly hope you get to keep those you love…

    Reply
  22. hi Laura, I am so sorry to hear of your dog’s passing. Please take care of yourself and I hope you don’t do anything drastic. hugs mike

    Reply
  23. No, just no.

    Reply
  24. I am so sorry Laura! What a gorgeous bring he was. My heart goes out to you. With so much love and millions if hugs.

    Reply

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