All posts for the month July, 2015
Posted by Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA on July 26, 2015
This is Aress, yesterday morning. Ten minutes later he was dead.
A truck pulling a horse trailer went by on the dirt road that I take to get to this hilltop where Aress and I used to live. Aress went after it. I called him back to me, and he came. I held onto his collar while the trailer went rattling by, but it was too much for him and he broke away and ran after the trailer. I ran down the road screaming his name, and then I saw his body. The trailer had run over his head.
I threw myself down on top of his body and screamed and screamed. Buzzards were already gathering. I screamed the few yards to the van and got a tarp to protect his body from the vultures, and I lay back down in the road holding his body and screamed and screamed, and kept on screaming till the horse trailer guy came back, and I somehow dialed the number of the woman I bought him from and screamed, “Aress is dead!” And then I screamed until she got there and picked me up off his body. Then some people came and dug him a grave and buried him. I screamed all night. Now I’m just crying, and I don’t want to scream because I have another dog to keep me company tonight, but she is sick and I don’t want to upset her.
Maybe this is instant karma for taking Noga’s life. Maybe his job on earth was finished. Maybe life has ZERO MEANING and it’s all an illusion.
Maybe it’s so fucked up I can’t even find words to express how fucked up it is
He had become my friend, my brother, my protector from all harm. He was the only family I had. THE ONLY FAMILY I HAD, for fuck’s sake. And he was gone in the blink of an eye. And now I’m alone, more alone than I’ve ever been.
PLEASE don’t try to tell me I’m not. I. Am. Alone.
Last night I came the closest I’ve ever come to using my suicide kit. Instead I took drugs and screamed and screamed and screamed.
It’s not over yet. This loss might be too much for me. My heart and soul were melded with his. I just don’t know how I can keep on living without him.
“God”? There is no God. There is NO God. If there is some kind of evil thing that causes this kind of damage, may it shrivel and die. But of there is something called God that causes this kind of damage, may it suffer the same fate. To create me, a damaged person, to bring a beautiful healing soul into my life so that I begin to see meaning and then without warning to rip my beautiful soul away? BULLSHIT there is no good in the world, only evil and buzzards and I don’t want to be in a world like this.
Posted by Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA on July 20, 2015
A truly phenomenal, right on the mark essay on the unique vulnerability that people with history of childhood abuse have to abusers and predators in adulthood, and asks the question, is childhood abuse the basis for mental illness?
People with mental illness often have psychological damage from being subject to abuse during childhood, Then very often they are retraumatized in adulthood by ending up being the victims of predators, There are narcissistic people that prey people who have C-PTSD from childhood abuse.
Some predators actually will evaluate
you during conversations early in the relationship. They find out about your past and what the effects were. Yes, when they were seeming to be so sweet and caring, they were pumping you for information, in order to asses how broken you were.
These predators know that broken people are easier to brainwash and drag into their world of control and manipulation. The relationships we have with people like this, retraumatize us and add to the C-PTSD we already had.
You have chosen to click on this post because the title of it struck a nerve with you. Most likely you…
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Posted by Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA on July 19, 2015
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. –
Good one for this time. Yes, I have enemies. I have people who think I’m stupid. In my experience, that usually means that they are either jealous, ignorant, mean, or just plain stupid themselves.
I’ve seen stupid people. Those are people who refuse to open their eyes to evidence that’s right before their faces, or who keep on doing the same ineffective or maladaptive thing over and over again, and getting more and more pissed off because it STILL isn’t working. Well then.
I have to be on the lookout for these behaviours in myself, more than ever, because the one thing we, or I, anyway, never want to cop to is that we might be acting stupid.
I say ACTING stupid because there is always a choice. Most people aren’t inherently stupid; it’s just easier to revert to deeply embedded ways of squaring off with people or situations that challenge the status quo.
Or, a person develops a persona, and that is the face he presents to the world, rather like a puppet or automaton. So instead of actually engaging with the world from a novel point of view each and every time, it’s easier and much more comfortable to let the persona, which is seamless and in fact homogeneous, handle the situation the way it normally would.
That way you don’t fall into the trap of independent thinking, ch’v’sh. (“Heaven forbid.”)
Posted by Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA on July 1, 2015