Holy Shit

It happened.

What I was waiting for, and dreading, and avoiding, and otherwise side-stepping.

The confrontation with my mother.

She started it.  She wanted to know if she had said or done anything to offend me, since of late I have seemed to be avoiding her.

She got that right.  All of it.

The only reason I am camping out in my father’s former studio, complete with no facilities, is that I gave up my gorgeous, wonderful life in Jerusalem to come and be with Dad in his last years.  I am immensely happy that I did that.  It gave a richness to Dad’s and my already very deep relationship that left a delicious taste when he departed, enhanced by the salt of my tears.

So, he having gone to his Place, I no longer have a reason to be here.  I am making plans to leave, and soon.

And when my mother asked a second time if I was avoiding her for some reason, the answer was “yes,” but of course I said “no,” because I knew what sort of scene would follow if I said “yes.”  So I said, “of course not,” while avoiding the laser gaze.

“How about a cup of tea?” She asked.  I obliged, and she made tea.  We sat down, and I wondered what in the world we were going to talk about.

“Well, are you still planning to…go galavanting around?”  She smirked.

“Are you talking about the RV?”  I am in the process of buying a small motorhome and living in it for who knows how long.  I have been a virtual gypsy all of my life, so I’d like to see what happens if I do it on purpose, with intention.

“If you’re talking about the RV, it’s in its final stages of the purchase.”

We chatted about the whole RV thing, and I allowed as how I would be back through here every 3 months or so, to check on her and see how things are going.  I didn’t tell her that the truth is, she’s showing signs of dementia, and I want to keep my finger on that pulse.

Oh, no, that isn’t necessary, to come all the way across the country to check on her.  She’ll be just fine, she says.

“Yes,” I said, “And I’ve also got a son…”  Didn’t get to finish that sentence.

“Oh, and where was he last week?  I thought he was supposed to come here for the weekend.”  My parents have always had this thing about my son, that he never took it upon himself to call or visit them.  They took it very personally.  God knows, if I took it personally that he never calls me either, I’d drive myself crazy.  That’s simply who is is: he’s an Aspie like his mom and dad, and if I want to talk to him I give him a buzz; he may or may not answer depending on what’s happening at the time.

“He’s at his father’s family reunion.”

“Oh yes, his father always made sure that he went to HIS family reunions.”  Not that WE ever had a family reunion.  No, I’m wrong.  Last year they had one, the family of my mother’s generation, but the children and grandchildren, all of whom are adults, were not invited.  By that I mean, they were explicitly told they were unwelcome.  Me too, and I thought it was a shame, but I don’t like to go places where I am not welcome, so I let that go.  BUT her side HAD had a family reunion, and none of us cousins and grandchildren were welcome.  So what’s to argue about?

Then came a volley of accusations on my part regarding whether my parents had bothered building a relationship with him, and of course she said they did, but I know for a fact not much. Perhaps she forgot how he came on birthdays, holidays, art show openings, and every other important happening on my side of the family.

Plus, I reminded her, he has a lot of cousins on his father’s side, and they are such a large family that having reunions is part of their tradition.

“Yes, of course HIS FATHER makes sure he has a good relationship with his family.”  Meaning, clearly, that it was MY fault that my son did not have a close relationship with THEM.

Then she started in on him in general, how he’s just inconsiderate, selfish, etc. etc.

That’s when I lost it.

I unloaded on her with both barrels, so to speak.  How she had no right to insult my son.  How the reason he doesn’t come around is because she belittles me right in front of him, and he won’t see his mother abused.

“Stop screaming,” she said, using her smooth persuasive courtroom voice (she is a guardian ad litem, which in her case means she specializes in taking children away from their parents).

By that time I was in a state I have never been in before.  Part of the gall that I have carried around with me for 61 years came pouring out.  I thought I was going to vomit.

“I am not screaming!  Every time I open my mouth you attack me with your sarcasm, your mocking, your belittling–you want to know why I avoid you, that’s why!”  My head felt like it was about to blow up.  My brains would spatter all over the spotlessly clean furniture.  Ever since my dad died she’s been compulsively cleaning the house, trying to rid it of his former presence.

“You stop your fucking screaming!”  She screamed, casting a furtive glance upward, worried that the three carpenters who were in the act of replacing the roof had heard.  I don’t know how the could not have.

“That’s it!  I’m done!  Good-bye!”  And I picked up my walking sticks, my dog behind me, and stomped though the gravel back yard, spewing obscenities that I’m sure the carpenters heard.

I made my way down the path to the studio, watching out for the knees of rhododendron roots that stick up out of the path, waiting to trip the novice or the careless.  I got “home,”–every time we move I tell my dog, “This is Home now,” so she will know to go “home,” if we get separated for any reason.  I guess this is more “home” than any of them, because it is my dad’s and he gave it to me.

I wonder if she’ll think of the motorhome as a home that has changes of scenery fairly regularly.  I guess that’s how it’s been for her anyway, except that she will get all territorial about this new home on wheels.

I grabbed half a joint and a little bit of wine, and sat out on the deck with my dog and watched the river for a while.

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53 Comments

  1. these kinds of people, like your mom, and mine, simply do not change. they pester you and nag you and demand your total honesty, when in fact, that is the trap that you have been trying to avoid. as soon as they trigger us (they installed our very own triggers) then suddenly we are terrible ones, the hateful and nasty guttertrash while they are offended by the truth, by our anger, by our very being.

    i just thank god for you for having the studio aways away and private, and for your dog and that half a joint with wine.

    Reply
    • Thanks, Kat. I really appreciate what you said, since I also have a factory-installed guilt meter, and it is of course triggered by you-know-who. I try to salve my wounds by thinking that if there is an afterlife, she will get hers there. If there isn’t an afterlife, I hope she has a nice long stay in whatever nursing home I stick her in when it comes time. Hmm, it’s late enough that I can’t really accomplish anything productive…maybe I’ll roll another one, just like the other one….I hate to think I’m abusing drugs and alcohol as a dysfunctional coping mechanism but hey, I could be shooting heroin, so I guess I’m doing ok 🙂

      Reply
  2. Galavanting? I haven’t heard that word since-um-my own Mother. Don’t Bogart that joint…:)

    Reply
  3. There comes a time or should say there came a time in my life where I didn’t want to be the last angry man sitting in my rocking chair on the front porch starring into thin air, my life was never cookie cutter if I was going to enjoy life then I had to settle with the demon check and pay whatever the bill was. Both my parents are gone, my brother is living in a distant planet in a far away universe. The rest of what’s left of my family is still being deliberate by a hung jury. This my world, my time, I deserve to enjoy life, just as the rest of those people we call humans, my point is,if it’s RV,then go for it,and ” f”em if they can’t take a joke. I not going anywhere soon but my time is precious too
    I hope you get my drift,it came from my heart, if it’s tears at least let them be joy
    As always Sheldon

    Reply
    • Sheldon, in this life we pays our money and we takes our choices. I myself do not intend to be an angry old woman. That’s a complete waste. My father’s father spent his whole life being angry. He did have what to be angry about, but there’s a time when you just have to let it go and pursue your dreams. My body is giving out and I don’t know how much time I have left–I guess none of us do, but sometimes you can get an idea. I’m getting that idea, and I want to really do something I’ve always dreamed about–being a real G.P.C. and just letting my brain cool off in wherever I happen to find myself. Blessings, Sheldon. Love, Laura

      Reply
  4. Sweet Laura. I hope the wine and the weed and the catharsis help calm you. Sometimes it helps just to release all the pain and anger of a lifetime, even if you know it’s not going to change things. Of course, I know letting it out doesn’t magically make it all better, but I truly hope it helps you some.

    Lots of love to you.

    Reply
    • Thank you dear…if the truth be known, I’ve been walking around really, really screaming lately…it’s like this pressure cooker of hate just getting hotter and hotter….it did indeed help me feel somewhat better to let loose on the tormenter of my life. I can’t wait to go No Contact. That will be liberating. I want my life to be my own again. It was great living 6,000 miles away. Now it might be 600 miles (eh, a little further, because I like the Southwest so much) but it will be MY miles. Hate is a destructive thing, and for me, it’s been turned inwards, causing physical illness and a deep depression. Think I’ll go to bed now…love you!

      Reply
  5. Blergh, narcissists.

    Reply
  6. oh ok. Your mother has some nerves. She at this age (83 right) has the capacity to arrnage carpenters look at all the work fight with her only child and abuse her grandchild.

    What an energy. If only she had used it in the right direction, she would have been a ….
    Dogs love people cats love places. Noga will follow you wherever you go. Caravan or Camp or a Palace, dogs feelings dont change., Thank Lord for small mercies.

    I

    Reply
    • 88! Every person in this town thinks she’s an angel, and I am the one who is not grateful. She tells everyone how much she loves me, so I look bad in their eyes. I can’t wait to get out of here!

      Reply
  7. I really like that you were able to chill out after all that stress.

    I’m really sorry that your mother doesn’t seem to understand how the autism spectrum works and how each person with an aspergers/autism condition struggles to relate to other people in so many different ways.

    I’m off away for 4 nights now but before I depart I’ll bob into Chapel and light yet another candle for you, Laura. xx

    Reply
  8. Ugh. Things will be better when there is a bit of distance between you two. But there is no changing her at this point. Be happy for yourself and Nola. I hope to meet you at a campground soon! 🚙

    Reply
    • Hey, that would be a treat, running into y’all in the beautiful places! I’m fer sure bringing my fishing gear….a nice lil’ bass would fry up yummy…I’m not averse to blue gill and sunnies, either! Don’t know if you guys fish or not…..see, my camping brain is already switched on and ready to live off the land…er, I guess that would be “lake” unless it’s “ocean.” I don’t usually fish in rivers, too much poison in them, but I have been known to throw a line into a nice brook and haul out a mess of specks. OK, that’s enough camping fantasy for this moment (no guarantees)!

      Reply
      • Love fish, don’t participate in the ‘work’ 😉 of hauling then in, tho. I should do a post on edible berries for you. Maybe there’s a few you don’t know already. I would leave right now if my hubby would. It wouldn’t be the most responsible thing I’ve done either. .😜
        We for sure should find a nice campground and hook up for a long weekend!

        Reply
        • It would be a blast to rendezvous. Inspection and identification of all sorts of elements of Nature. I love peat bogs, don’t you? Carnivorous plants…yeah! And bring on those edible berries. Hmmm, I’ll have to figure out how to make mobile elderberry wine….

          Reply
  9. Noga, sorry. Big thumbs!

    Reply
  10. savemefrombpd

     /  February 9, 2015

    Ugh I’m so sorry… I wish it didn’t have to be like this for you.
    I really hope that you keep persisting to make positive changes to where you are now, to another place… You should just have happiness whatever you do!
    xx

    Reply
    • Thanks, Sweetie. I feel like I’m taking my destiny into my own hands. It feels very empowering. Now that I’ve got the deal mostly closed, I’m starting to feel like maybe I’ll be able to wean back on some of my meds….got a shrink appt. tomorrow. Amen to your blessing!

      Reply
      • savemefrombpd

         /  February 11, 2015

        All the very absolute best!!
        Empowerment must feel pretty darn good.
        Keep us updated 🙂

        Reply
        • The challenge is to keep it…

          Reply
        • I highly recommend self-empowerment. I was having a bout of fear this evening. I said to myself, what is this fear about? The answer was that I am leaping into the unknown, for me anyway, leaving the static side of life itself, to become a professional wanderer. Once I heard that, I realized that it would be crazy NOT to have fear under these circumstances After all, Bilbo and Frodo were terrified to leave The Shire (and I’m talking books not movies here), and with good reason. But their journeys were quite literally transformative. Please bless me, and I bless you back, that the journey will be filled with ONLY the good kind of adventures.

          Reply
  11. Laura, drive into the sunrise or sunset in your RV…and leave all of that “Holy Shit” behind in the rear view mirror! Who needs that, especially from a so-called-mother! Even though I’m a peaceful person and family advocate, I’m saying what an energy-vampire-mother! So sad for you! Glad you can chill out and let all that ugliness float down the river! Christine

    Reply
  12. Oh how I was there with you, wishing I had the nerve to let it rip with mine… they just cannot see past themselves…..that smells like nice weed!

    Reply
    • Wow, Cat, I never even thought I had it in me to ROAR like I did! I didn’t realize that I WAS roaring, but in retrospect it was like something out of a horror movie, with her baiting me in her (sorry) purring voice and goading me until I…just…LOST IT!!! Now I’m glad I did. Maybe now she’ll keep her filthy mouth shut…but alas, no guarantees. Better to make tracks and not look back…off to Colorado where the grass is greener hee hee!

      Reply
      • If she’s anything like mine, she’ll blame it on you for having a bad day and forget it ever happened… tell everyone how worried she is about you because you were being nasty to her…. and before you know it, it will be back to the verbal diarrhoea. Well done you for letting it out 😉 Colorado here I come!!

        Reply
  13. My mother also has the power to drive me crazy with her belittling and sarcasm. So I relate to that. I hope things are more enjoyable once you get your RV.

    Reply
    • P.S I feel you on the Autism side of things, I have Aspergers and people do not understand. Sometimes I don’t want to be around people. and people don’t get that!

      Reply
      • Whew…it is SO HARD to deal with “muggles” who just don’t get it, why a person can just be different, and that doesn’t make them “sick” or any of the other bullshit they throw at us, because we are not like them. I’m proud, and always have been, that I’m not like them, and if they don’t like it they can cram it. That’s just my feeling. I’m always available and happy to talk to other Aspies who might be having Muggle problems…just drop me a line on my “About” page and I’ll provide you with my contact details…keep on keepin’ on, they’re not worth getting upset about (although I know they do upset us…it’s just that they’re not worth it)! Aspie Love ❤

        Reply
    • You know what? One of the things I pray for all the time is NOT to be that kind of mother! I know I made mistakes when my kid was growing up, but I know for sure I never mocked or belittled him. I tried my best to praise him and lift him up. I made other kinds of mistakes, but not the kind that tear a kid apart and wreck their self-esteem, like my “monster” did. RV is bought, picking up next Tuesday, out of here!

      Reply
  14. I love the fact thAt you are going to do the Rv I am sorry if you misunderstood what I was saying by no means did I think you were… I was saying what has happened to me. Please…..
    As always Sheldon

    Reply
    • Hmmm, I think we’re on the same page, Sheldon. Not sure what you are concerned about, but what you said totally resonates with me. I am the last of my breed. I do have genetic family, but they are on another planet. Actually it seems that I am the one from another planet. When I was a child I used to sit by my window at night and BEG my real parents to come and get me….So now that my dad, who also occupied my planet part time at least, now that he’s gone there is no reason whatsoever to stay near his former home and I definitely don’t want to be anywhere near my monster.

      Reply
  15. Laura,
    I think if there was any time for you “roar” it is now, before you take off on your journey. My opinion is that you needed to say something to your mother that you’ve wanted/needed to say for many years. There is a difference between being “an angry woman” and being a woman who stands up for herself. The latter woman does get to feel angry sometimes and you’ve been holding it in for a very long time. And I understand why you did. I’m just happy that you did get to have your say while you are both around. I know it was very, very emotional and draining, but in the end I have a feeling it was the right thing for you. I know, I don’t know you well, but I have gotten to understand you through your sharing and writing, and I’m an empathic person. I could be off, and I’m the first one to say it. Just want to let you know that I support you and wish you the best as your life changes and moves forward. If you are ever through mid-Missouri on your journeys I’d love to get together with you for lunch or an afternoon and get to know you better. I live in the Lake of the Ozarks area, but can drive a little ways if needed. There is a good campground by the lake I can recommend (we have many but this one is very clean, State run, has decent facilities, etc. My email addy is artsychicksw@gmail.com
    Blessings and Peace to your heart ❤

    Reply
  16. manyofus1980

     /  February 18, 2015

    She’s a guardian? I would not like to see that! What she did to you, theres no call for that! I’m glad though that you stodd your ground and said your piece. You go girl. Drive away from all that. Who needs people like that, even if they are family? XX

    Reply
    • Thank you so much! I really appreciate your support. The weather is getting in my way right now, but that’s only temporary, and she’s not around anyway. She’s away helping her sister, which is another ironic thing….her sister tormented her when they were kids, now when her sister needs help, who goes to help her? I’m waiting to see what happens next. It’s like a movie.

      Reply

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