OH NO!!!!

Hello, dear readers.  I think I have flipped.

I caught myself giving me a pedicure at 11:45 PM.  And really enjoying getting artistic about it.  It came out brilliantly, if I may be so obnoxious.

Hm.  Something does not feel quite right.

So I smoked half a joint, meditatively.

That’s when I got it.

I have been a slump since last Wednesday.  Well, not exactly a slump.  I would call it a triggered, dissociated, PTSD’d mess.  But it seems that under that pile of oozing slime, the Black Dog was lying relaxed, head up, tongue hanging out and dripping, waiting.

As I was enjoying my joint it hit me:  Silly silly, you have been depressed all week.  I mean, you have felt terrible, am I wrong?

But now have no fear, because Hypomania has made her entrance.  What fun!  Actually it is, if I don’t ruin anything important in the process.

Who knows how long I could stay up tonight, answering mail since last fall and calling Israel to check on the abysmal state of my bank account, since I haven’t been back in almost a year.  I could, in fact, put away the unspeakable piles of **stuf** that has collected on every flat surface.  I have to push objects away on the table in order to have space to eat.

No, not really that bad, most of the time.  Just during the down spells, where I have no interest whatsoever in that big envelope that promises instant gazillionair-hood.  I throw it all on the table.

Then if I’m lucky I’ll have a nice productive flip.  If I can stand still enough I can get all sorts of things done.  But **sigh** there is little danger of that.  Plenty to do in the big world!  Now, if I can just find a way to stay in this pleasant condition and not get into a mixed episode (shudder) or pop all the way into mania–not fun……..but now for the extra dose of Seroquel so I can get some sleep tonight….

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19 Comments

  1. savemefrombpd

     /  July 20, 2014

    Don’t know why I just ‘liked’ your post! I’m worried about you… I watched a documentary about mixed states and hypomania and mania and I realised how difficult Bipolar is to live with, let alone to have dissociation and PTSD and all the rest added on top. I first thought to myself, ah, I’m sure that Bipolar is difficult but at least you have breaks from either deep depression and hypomania/mania…. But I admit, after watching this documentary charting this guy’s experiences over a number of years, it totally ruined him. Awful. Really awful.

    I’m tempted to go to TA and get some weed, but I’m thinking that I don’t want to put myself in more of a relaxed but ‘down’ mood. And money of course! That’s an issue! But I’m always searching for ways out of reality. I did smoke back in December of last year and my head was totally off. It wasn’t pleasant or good for me and for what seems for hour, I got in to my pyjamas then my regular clothes, then pyjamas and back to my regular clothes. I don’t know what I was doing but it caused bad depersonalisation and derealisation.

    Anyway, that’s that then!

    I really hope you’re going to be OK and this mixed state or the lows and highs aren’t going to be so strong.

    Please keep us updated. ST.

    Reply
    • Hi, I would love to get the name of that docco… Try to educate myself as much as I can about living with bipolar, so it would be a valuable watch.

      And I agree – Laura, take care. You’ll be in my thoughts.

      Reply
      • savemefrombpd

         /  July 20, 2014

        It’s called ‘A Summer in the Cage’. Not a professionally made documentary, but shows the struggle of the young guy SO much. It’s very interesting to watch. It’s on YouTube to watch. Here is a little info and the link is included to YouTube on this page: http://documentarystorm.com/summer-cage/

        Reply
        • Thank you! You’re awesome.

          Reply
          • savemefrombpd

             /  July 20, 2014

            You are very welcome. The link I gave is a very good site btw. I also watched a documentary about anorexia on there which was interesting too. There’s lots of documentary listings on loads of different topics.

            Reply
      • Thanks, Nadia. I really appreciate your good thoughts.

        Reply
    • “A,” thanks, your concern is really valuable to me. Sounds as if weed is DEFINITELY off the menu for you! You have enough trouble with depersonalization as it is, without adding a drug that is infamous for doing that. I’m doing it as a self-preservation measure. It doesn’t depersonalize me, just takes the edge off the trauma. Probably not entirely healthy, but then again I take so many unhealthy prescribed drugs, what’s wrong with one more that actually helps? And has no side effects, for me, except certain kinds make me paranoid so I don’t use those kinds? But not good for you, as it seems.

      Reply
      • savemefrombpd

         /  July 20, 2014

        I’m glad the smoking helps. I’m not anti it if it’s used in the right way or even a little more lol.

        My dad was addicted for years. At first he took for back pain but it got to be a real addiction and he’d be clinically depressed and in bed crying. Then smoke and I’d smell it and he’d come out if his room laughing like another person. It was horrible to live with him like this. Not easy to see.

        But hey. I had many years smoking too! Just not something that can help me unfortunately so I’ll be jealous and wish that it helps you L!!

        Reply
        • I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. That must have been hell on you! I was just having a conversation with my son, to the tune of, “they say it’s not addictive? Like hell it’s not!” He was addicted for a long time as a teenager, and he really did jones when he came off. Of course, now it comes out of the vaults of science that MJ does in fact have a deleterious effect on the developing brain, i.e. teenagers, and can actually trigger schizophrenia in people who are already at risk for it genetically. Great! How many of us did not toke up during adolescence, including the “Fearless Leader” of the USA! And certainly Bibi, although I doubt he’d ‘fess up LOL

          Reply
  2. Is it counterintuitive to toke while your waiting for a little mania? I could use some mania right now to get this place cleaned, but a joint would just put me to sleep.

    Reply
    • Nah. Just helps me get a grip and think objectively. I don’t get wrecked. I use MJ medicinally to help treat neuropathy from my degenerative disc disease and my disintegrating joints. Joints for joints, there you go! Added value is that it helps stabilize my mood. Good deal, eh? But it’s purely palliative, not curative, too bad.

      Reply
  3. istralouise

     /  July 20, 2014

    Hi! I hope that you can enjoy the benefits without the pitfalls too. Kudos for being aware and taking an extra dose of seroquel to sleep.

    Reply
    • Hi Ms. istralouise, thanks for your comment. I stopped using cannabis in 1981, when it stopped being good for me. Probably wasn’t good for me before then either. So why do I take it up 23 years later? Lots of reasons. For one thing, the nature of the substance itself has changed thanks to selective breeding for certain characteristics. I have a seizure disorder that is very annoying although not dangerous, and the Lamectil that I take for bipolar doesn’t touch it, but CBD, which is one of the cannabinoid compounds that is abundant in the strain I use, stops the seizures and makes my life much more comfortable. The CBD strains don’t really get you that “high” but they treat pain and seizures very well. I don’t use the “recreational” kind of weed because it makes me feel bad.

      Reply
      • istralouise

         /  July 20, 2014

        Oh, here in WA State we have the recreational use laws and medical marijuana laws, so I really wasn’t writing about that (although I don’t use myself) and the explanation was very enlightening. I meant the coming hypomanic state .. hopes that you would avoid any pitfalls as can sometimes happen and being so pro-active in making sure you can sleep.

        Reply
        • Oh, now I understand. Thanks for clarifying! Yes, that is the eternal conundrum: how to use the extra energy without leaving a wake of destruction, how to recognize thoughts and feelings–are they healthy happiness, or are they pitfalls produced by the illness? My shrink is a proponent of “sleeping it off,” since sleep is so important to maintaining healthy balance in bipolar (or anything, even “normal life,” for that matter. He recommends starting “sleep therapy” as soon as I get an inkling that something isn’t right, something might be heralding an episode…..so I try to follow instructions as well as I can, given my other responsibilities…..

          Reply
  4. istralouise

     /  July 20, 2014

    (I think I was missing some of the responses before when I replied)

    Reply
  5. Rebecca Sakulku

     /  July 20, 2014

    I got confused for a moment thinking I was reading one of my own posts. Its comforting to know others face the same struggles.. and also feel those amazing moments – ones that I wish could be shared more often 🙂

    Reply
    • Hi Rebecca,

      Eek, sorry to hear that we share the tightrope act….wishing you more of the good moments and many fewer (is “none” too much to ask??) of the falls…

      Reply

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