The Dinner Guest

I went to a dinner party at my parents’ house tonight.

I wasn’t invited.

Only big deal art collectors and a big deal artist were invited.

My parents live one minute away from my rude yet adequate dwelling–my father’s former studio, just a pole building really.

The way I found out about the dinner party was that my mother was whining on the phone about having to cook again, after having had a dinner party last night, to which I also was not invited.  The guests were the same art collectors.  They bought a lot of stuff, you know.

She was having ribs tonight.  I don’t eat pork.  Maybe that’s why she didn’t invite me.

I decided to make an appearance anyway.  I didn’t dress up: I wasn’t an invited guest.  Jeans and a clean shirt, good enough for a “just dropped in.”

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence when I walked through the door.  They were just sitting down.  The big deal art collectors offered to make me a place at the table.  No thank you, I smiled, I’ve just come by to say hi. The female art collector hugged me.  So did her husband.  The big deal local artist who can’t stand me and makes no bones about it, didn’t want to hug me but I hugged her just to piss her off.  Don’t ask me why she can’t stand me.  I don’t know and I don’t care.

My mother flew at me to try to hug me for the benefit of her invited guests: pretending to be glad to see me, as if I had just blown in from far away instead of down the dirt path.  I sidestepped her.

My dad, of course, was ecstatic to see me, and showed it.  That’s all I wanted.  That’s all I came for.  That, and to let Boo Radley make a public appearance.

And–I admit it–to make a small, silent statement: there is a daughter.  She lives one minute down the path, but we don’t invite her…or speak about her.  She’s disabled…..but we can’t say how, so we just don’t mention her.  And we certainly don’t invite her.

I stayed three-quarters of an hour, enough to be polite.  For table talk, my mother announced she had booked a massage with the new massage therapist in town.  Big deal artist said she’d already been (of course).  I asked her the details, what it cost.  A dollar a minute.  Maybe I could trade her, I said.  Lots of massage therapists are happy to trade with me.

My mother snorted audibly(cringe).  “What have you got to trade?”  Acid dripping on the floor.  Sssssssssss………

“Acupuncture,” I answered.

“What?”  As if she hadn’t heard me the first time.

“Acupuncture, or a custom perfume.”  My voice sounded hollow in my ears.  The noises of the dinner party pounded.  The woman rich art collector looked up sharply.  She had heard.  How could she not have?  My mother’s voice is famous for its booming quality.  She does not need a microphone.

I sat silent in my chair, which I had pulled up outside the inner circle of diners.  Images flashed: little girl circulating the loud and laughing room with trays of hors d’oeuvre,  smiling politely, speaking when spoken to and shutting up at the hard glance across the room.  Back to the kitchen to reload the tray, careful to make an artful arrangement for the guests to dismantle one by one, or maybe by twos and threes if it was caviar on cream cheese.

Then help serve the meal, and sit quietly (“children are to be seen and not heard”) unless there happened to be one of my special adult friends present, in which case I was allowed to sit next to them and talk for a little while, as long as I was not “monopolizing” them. It’s important that children learn how to conduct themselves at dinner parties, especially when there are honored guests, so that they don’t embarrass their parents.

After clearing the table (“Thank you, dear”) I was expected to disappear to my room, which is where I wanted to be, while the adults repaired to the living room to get drunk.

I stood, carefully replaced my chair where I had found it, and put on my wraps.  It’s still a bit chilly here, nights.

“Oh, are you leaving us?” cries the big deal art collector woman.

“You’re leaving?” says dad, tearing up.  I can’t kiss the top of his bald head because my mother is swinging at me, trying for a fake hug, and he’s stuck on the other side of her.   Leave it for tomorrow.

I smile and say goodbye, hope to see you again soon, making eye contact with the big deal art collectors.  Fuck the big deal artist, she can’t stand me anyway.  And she’s parked her gently ostentatious new car in an impossible place in the driveway.  I have to make a 5-point turn to get around her.

Back in my pole barn, I feel like having a drink or two or three or four, but I know it will only give me a bigger headache.  What about organizing some of this unbelievable clutter instead?  Do something constructive, shake it off.

Leave it for tomorrow.

Pass the hors d’oeuvres, please.


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  1. I’ve just found your blog and don’t feel at all qualified to comment given that I don’t know much about bipolar.

    But…I was struck by your writing above. My gut clenched at your description of your mom’s voice (acid dripping!) and how you felt sitting on the edge of the circle of people. I don’t know if my mom is a narcissist but I do know that I have felt as you describe, with very specific standards of behavior and performance in order to reflect well on mom. I’m still sorting through all the ways that those things have impacted my emotional health.

    • Thank you for your heartfelt comment. I’m sorry for your pain, but sorting through all this stuff we have stored in our emotional attics takes a lot of time and pain to process. I hope to follow your blog, and it will be good to dialogue.

  2. Eep. Flashbacks to some of my mom & stepdad’s dinner parties (not that there was anyone as potentially useful or interesting to me as an art collector there.) If one of her guests had an interest in a subject I was knowledgeable about, I was also accused of “monopolizing” the conversation.

  3. diner parties? we never had one of those. from the sounds of it, i was lucky! that took balls for you to make an appearance–kudos!

    • I may be one fucked-up bitch but I ain’t gonna be steamrollered by a power-tripping narcissist. My daddy didn’t raise me to be a pansy-ass, that’s for sure. Besides, I needed a larf…..which is what I’ve been doing since I got over my mad…

  4. I admire you ‘ruining’ your Mom’s projection, hee hee. Now that I’ve come out acon, I expect to hear about a heart attack or something in the near future. Heck, I’ll even let her reinforce to people how mean I am to not drop everything and run to her side. *grins*

    • Thank you. I wish you strength for the upcoming drama, whatever it is. You bet your sweet bippy, baby, it’s gonna come, whether heart attack, kidney stones, whatever. My mom has my dad held hostage, and that is her trump card, cause she knows I will never abandon him, even though he was her “flying monkey.” I’m rooting for you as you take back your life and health and let the Narc deal with her own sh*t.

      • Thankfully, I realized in this that I went low contact with her husband my stepfather some 20 years ago, so I don’t have to worry about keeping any of my parentage. I’m still iffy as to whether one of my sisters will be in my corner in spite of initial assurance that she will, but that’s okay too. Before any of this went down, I’d made peace with having to cut my entire family because of the nature of Mom’s behaviors and information controlling and whatnot. So we’ll see — I can hope for the best, expect the worst, and hopefully end up pleasantly surprised.

  5. This made me feel sad.

  6. “Boo Radley”!! HA!! I love that!! 🙂

    • LOL but no stigma there–we are Liberals! We accept everybody! Even the mentally ill–as long as it’s not our (only) daughter and (only) grandson……they might…..DO something, you know, to embarrass us… front of the rich important people……..but we still want their cole slaw recipe, hee hee! That’s how I found out about the party, my mom called me cause she was all “cooked out” and wanted my cole slaw recipe! I gave her some of it, but not all…..not the yummy part…..she can go whistle Dixie for that!

  7. Quite sad, Laura. Good you were able to give your dad hugs. Next time, be sure to give him extra ones, and remind him he’s welcome at your place anytime.

  8. savemefrombpd

     /  April 26, 2014

    It’s a sad read my friend. You sound so lonely and rejected. You deserve a hella lot more than that.
    Makes me cringe about your mother’s fakeness – My mum used to be like around other family or her friends. Looking all loving and caring for me and then behind closed doors couldn’t give a damn.

    Sending you MUCH deserving love.

  9. thirdxlucky

     /  April 27, 2014

    Reblogged this on Bloggity Blog Blog Blog… and commented:
    I don’t generally reblog things here, but I know I haven’t posted in a while, and I really liked this.


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