Ending the Toxic Relationship and Giving Yourself Time and Space to Find Yourself

An amazing article from an amazing blog. For those of us who are adult survivors of childhood abuse, this site can be a lifesaver, filled with resources. It was only after reading this site that I felt validated in my knowledge that I am an ACoN–an Adult Child of a Narcissist. Even though I can’t move back to the other side of the world right now, and even though the reason for that is that I’m helping my parents in their old age (thereby soaking in the stinking soup of bad relationships), I still find The Invisible Scar to be reassuring and comforting. At last, someone who understands, and has good advice! (And if my therapist is reading this: Yes, B, I know you tried to tell me all this, ten years ago. I’m a slow learner;-)

The Invisible Scar

photo credit: AmyJanelle

Some relationships are deeply damaging and unhealthy for the people within the relationship. Unlike healthy relationships, which have peaks and lows, which have struggles now and then, a toxic relationship is poison to the people involved.

But what happens if the toxic relationship is within the family sphere?

Imagine your daughter telling you that every time she was with her boyfriend, he insulted her, gaslit her, made her feel small and insignificant, mocked her interests, tried to change her personality, deprived her of what she loved, cut her off when she was speaking, demanded her to always agree with him, ignored her when she differed in opinion, expected only adoration, and left her feeling stressed-out, sick to her stomach, and emotionally wounded.

Would you tell that daughter to continue seeing that boyfriend?

No. Absolutely not. No one would. However, what if the people involved was a friend…

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15 Comments

  1. i had actually read this a year ago—and didnt realize it til after i read it again today! good and timely–maybe i should schedule a re-read of this every year or so, to remind me why I don’t talk to my mom anymore!

    Reply
  2. Thank you again for introducing me to The Invisible Scar – or was it that blog that brought me here? I am not sure, but whatever the order, I am grateful for it too.

    Reply
  3. Will read this shortly. I only fully processed yesterday that my mother was a narcissistic parent and the full import of it. Which is good in a way — it means that trusting my instincts to cut her out of my life has been the right thing.

    Reply
    • Wow, that’s huge. More power to you for putting your own safety first, and getting free of the tyranny of a narcissistic parent. I hope you find lots of helpful stuff on The Invisible Scar to help you process what you’re going through. Take good care of yourself! –Laura

      Reply
      • It looks like a great starting point! I currently have a ‘bye’ in being pregnant; my mother has decided that me being pregnant and ignoring her is something I’m doing because she did it. You know, ’cause I’m not my own person. Since I’m off my psych meds, I’m torn between getting this over with and reclaiming my blog space to talk about it (she’s comment stalking, which is ending up in spam), or waiting another two months. It’s a hard choice — I want to be fully free, but I’m not healthy enough to deal with blowback right now.

        Reply
        • Wow, you have so much to contend with! Being pregnant in itself is filled with its own issues. But pregnancy is a great time to re-vision yourself. Who do I really want to be? It’s an amazing time, even when it’s filled with difficulties.

          Is it possible to password your posts, so that you can control who sees them? If my mother commented on my posts I would just freak on out. I don’t know if she reads them, and I don’t want to know.

          Reply
          • I’ve thought about that, but on the other hand, I’ve got my locked LJ for daily posting, and I also do a 750words.com as well. So I’ve got venting out. Stubbornness tells me I will not let her drive me out of my one public podium, even if I’m having to make myself potentially wait a bit longer before making full use of it again due to her crap.

            Reply
            • Good for you! A great attitude. I’m not familiar with your other blogs. (Hint, hint, but I totally understand your limiting access!)

              Reply
              • The 750words.com is a total dumping ground in a freewriting sort of style, which is wonderful. The LJ is the same name as anywhere else — Raeyn. Been there since 2001, so I’m not inclined to move it. *grins*

                For now, I’ve started talking to this about the sibling I think can understand it best, and she does. So so much relief to know that someone has been in my corner against the maligning!

                Reply

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