Sleep, don’t fail me now

Uh-oh.  This is not good.  Not good at all.

Last night I didn’t sleep because of the nightmares, one after the other.  I’d wake up from one, sigh, go back to sleep and boom, another nasty one right on top of it.  I was so tired, though.  I wanted to just say the hell with it and get up and drink tea, but I couldn’t wrench free of that thick sea of monster soup.  When I finally dragged myself out of bed, exhausted, I was shocked to look in the mirror and see only bags under my eyes and not shiners and lacerations like on Friday night fights.

Now it’s tonight.  I was really looking forward to tonight.  It was going to be my come-back match, the one where I went sweetly to sleep (courtesy of Seroquel, Ambien, and Ativan, as always), thumbing my nose at the monster contenders in the other corner.  Let ’em stay there and sweat it out, the bastards.

But.  It’s now 12:49 a.m. and I am no more sleepy than I was an hour before I took my chemical knockout drops.

Maybe it’s because I have to move out of my apartment but have no place to move into because my new place won’t be ready in time.  Could that be it?

Or that in a little over a month I’ll be returning to my home country, my beloved Israel, but knowing that it’s only for a couple of months?  I’ve been here in the States for a year and a half, and only very recently stopped having daily violent crying jags from missing my country so.  I’m so excited to be going Home, and seeing my friends, walking on The Land, and yes, living with my Beloved….it’s enough to keep anyone awake.

But.  I live with the Bipolar monster.  So that means I have to S-L-E-E-P in order to stay healthy and not go mental.  (You see that I have not even mentioned the possibility of this sleeplessness being the harbinger of a hypomania episode.  But.  My Psychiatric  Service Dog, Noga, has come over and started disrupting my writing behavior by bumping me with her nose-that’s what she does when she sees I’m doing something abnormal, according to her, that is.)

image

Noga the Lhasa Apso

So I will have to take another Seroquel and force myself to sleep.  TKO.

Copyright 2012 Laura P. Schulman all rights reserved

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13 Comments

  1. Love that magic Lhaso Apso
    .

    Reply
  2. bpshielsy

     /  June 25, 2012

    Hope your sleep improves

    Reply
  3. Sounds like you have lots of things to keep the mental hamster wheel spinning… But good things to look forward to, even though that’s a stressor in its own right.

    Hope there’s no bad aftereffects of poor sleep and that it all settles down soon.

    Reply
    • Thank you, dear Dee Dee. My Beloved has helped me to notice that I am way over-revved, heading into at least a “hypo” overdrive…so at his behest I decided to forgo the ten or twenty things I had planned to get done this afternoon, and take some time for myself instead. I really wanted to go hiking, but discovered that my energy is all gone now. Hope this doesn’t mean I’m headed for a downer…I’m going to try to get to sleep early tonight, even if it means extra knockout drops….

      Reply
  4. Have a nice trip back home. Love your dog.

    Reply
  5. It sounds like you have reason enough for sleeplessness. Well done on tackling it head on and not letting it get the better of you.

    Reply
  6. They are knock out drops, aren’t they? How am I supposed to wake up to work? Better yet, what am I supposed to tell my boss if I don’t? They’d fire me if they knew I’m bipolar lol.

    Reply
    • Well, let’s see. Take knockout drops, late to work. Not too good. Don’t take knockout drops, don’t sleep for five or six days, over the top manic, oops…uh, what were you saying about that job? Meh.

      Reply
      • Lol. You actually wanna know? Check out what I just wrote about it. It’s my first entry in 3 months. I have to go to work in 5 hours btw and I didn’t sleep yet. PARTYING PARTYING, YEAH!

        Reply
  7. I can relate to sleeping problems and bp. I just keep taking ambien and eventually sleep. Hope you sleep well soon, and that you have a wonderful trip. Your dog is adorable!
    If you ever want to submit a photo to our site, we would be happy to have you. We are all photographers with mental health issues.
    Feel well.

    Reply
    • Thank you, and I wish you restful sleep and pleasant dreams! Thanks for the invite. I will definitely check out your blog, sounds great. You might like to check out Disorderly Chickadee’s blog. She is a really truly photographer who experiments with unusual formats, processes, and old/”outmoded” equipment. She is amongthe bipolar, brilliant, talented, an all-around cool. All the best to you!

      Reply

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