On Being Desired

Someone desires me.  Really and truly.  This terrifies me, especially since he knows a great deal about me, yet still he desires me.  I can’t help thinking, what kind of a nut would know these things about me, yet still desire me, and even more frighteningly, love me for exactly who  am? 

This hits at the core of my insecurities.  It causes me to challenge the obviously erronious premise that because I live with mental illness, because I am a survivor of rape, because I have been in multiple dysfunctional relationships, that I am therefore doomed either to live alone or to suffer through cycle after cycle of similarly destructive relationships.

Now, it is clear that simply being desired is not the key to the kingdom.  But.  To be desired as the person I am, complete with all of the attributes that I consider blemishes, is something new, and terribly frightening.  And.  He seems to love those blemishes too, and in fact it seems that he does not consider them blemishes, but simply (simply?!) part of ME.

Copyright 2012 Laura P. Schulman all rights reserved

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3 Comments

  1. It is so hard to be vulnerable to someone, even if you realize that person really cares for you as you are. And yet, it’s marvelous! Everything opens up when you decide that it’s OK to be hurt, because then it’s also OK to love. That’s when it gets really good. 🙂

    And who cares why? The fact of the matter is that he does care for you. That alone is worth accepting on its own merits. Asking why is only natural, but I find that until you’re quite secure in a relationship, it just introduces doubt for both parties. Better not to ask!

    Reply
    • Hi DeeDee, sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. And I know you’re out-of-pocket for a while now… Anyway, I’ve taken your advice. Screw worrying about the whys, wherefores, and hows: I’m jumping in with both feet, with my head tightly screwed on and a giant smile on my face!

      Reply
      • Yay! It’s a tough “decision” but something to go into willfully. I’m cheering for you in this new relationship – I hope it’s better than you expect and full of good experiences.

        Reply

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