What do people mean when they say that? I haven’t the foggiest idea. In fact, I haven’t the foggiest idea of what most people mean when they say anything at all. This has been one of the hardest parts about being the vessel that carries my particular brain around. I’m never quite sure whether my understanding of another human being’s thoughts and utterances ever even approaches what they really meant. I waste untold quantities of time and energy worrying about this, my inability to feel connected with most human beings.
I think this is one of the reasons I bond so closely with animals. Communication with them is all about eye contact, body language, facial expression, smells….speaking of which, I got aggravated in the middle of last night with a smell that was lingering from the previous day’s cooking. Being the Jewish Sabbath, it was not appropriate for me to do anything requiring fire, like lighting incense, burning essential oils, etc., but I did have a blend of essential oils in a spray bottle, which is perfectly acceptable to use on the Sabbath. It was, in fact, one of many such spray bottles containing blends that I make for various purposes, that lurk in corners around the house. I grabbed the one that I thought was for banishing evil odors, but it was dark, and alas, I grabbed the one that is for banishing ants. I sprayed a great deal of it around before I realized my mistake….and my dog, Noga, headed for the hills, and tried to dig a hole in my recliner to bury her nose in. Oh dear. But at least it didn’t smell like the salmon from last night.
Where was I? Oh yes. I was in that place of wondering if I would ever understand other people. I have come to a new resolve: I shall not try. I shall let other people be who they are, and I will do my best to let me be me. If it should happen to turn out that there is a mutual understanding, I am going to try my best to stay in the moment with it and let it stand on its own. That will be a marked change from my usual fear-based: what if I misunderstood what they meant? What if they think I’m really weird?
So, since we’re into the “what if’s,” what if I started all over again, each and every time, like a newborn baby, again?