What goes around

I’ve been on a real down swing the past few days.  I want to blame it on the fact that my shrink insisted that the Lamectil was responsible for certain very unpleasant sensations that accompanied my last “mixed state” decompensation.  He maintains that the Lamectil was “feeding” the high side, causing my usual state of insomnia to become drug-resistant and all the rest of the unpleasantness to become worse.

Well, I don’t know if I agree with him on that one or not.  But my state of un-comfortability being what it was, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and try decreasing the Lamectil.  It seemed to help, I think; yet, given the alphabet soup of drugs that I have been taking in order to quell the screams of my tortured nervous system, I can’t vouch that THAT particular tweak was “the one.”

Anyway.  The point is that I have been in a depressed state for the last few days, which accounts for the sparsity of blog posts.  My diet has spiralled down to ice cream and potato chips, which are really the only things my mouth vaguely desires.  I suppose if someone else were to prepare me a delicious AND kosher meal I would eat it; but I can’t guarantee that I would be able to tell you what it tasted like, because when I’m depressed my taste buds go on vacation, along with all the rest of my senses.  If it wasn’t such an unpleasant feeling, I might go, “Oh, just what I needed, a little vacation.”

Luckily I have kept on doing this for such a long time, I’ve come to understand that if I just keep on keepin’ on for long enough, I WILL feel better.  I hope. Or at the very least, I’ll feel DIFFERENT.  Which is in itself a kind of relief.  And I have started taking more Lamectil.

The main thing is to keep. On. Breathing.  One breath at a time.  Because, you know, sometimes “one day at a time” is way, way too much to bear.

Now there’s something I want to say that just doesn’t seem to want to come out just the way I want it.  So I’ll start this way:  to those of you who have sent me heartbreakingly beautiful emails, sharing their responses to things I have written here, I want to tell you that your words have lifted me up and given my heart the will to keep on taking its one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time.  I could never have dreamed that anything I would say would affect anyone so deeply.  I am awed and yes, frightened by the prospect that anyone would take my words to heart, or that my own experiences would resonate so profoundly.

Yet, in reading your emails, both posted here and sent privately, I have found myself also deeply moved, sitting here pouring tears, resonating with your experiences as you did with mine.

So I think there might be something to this sharing thing.  We can lift each other up on the wings of eagles.  I bless you all.

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7 Comments

  1. To know that we are not alone in our misery is perhaps the best gift that we can offer one another. My sister and I are learning this as we find my mother needing more and more care. Sometimes it is enough just to acknowledge to each other that we spent the day (week) crying because we encountered the camel’s straw which at the time seemed much more a bale.

    I have missed your posts and wondered how you are doing…

    I read an essay in the local paper today, written by a woman who works with children on the autism/Asperger spectrum. She also has a daughter who is on the spectrum, as is she herself. She talked of the struggles faced by women and girls who are on the spectrum–the lack of recognition, diagnosis, and appropriate treatment. More importantly she wrote of the unrecognized gifts people with autism/Asperger possess–sensitivity, language–even though unspoken in the company of others, curiosity, persistence that others mistake for obsession. Very affirming article!

    By the way, when home alone my favorite meal often involves potatoes and dairy, sometimes mashed potatoes with half and half but more often than not chips and ice cream.

    Soon enough this moon will pass, and it will be time to prepare for another. In the meantime watch out for cows, dishes running with spoons, and little weiner dogs!

    Reply
    • I’m sorry to hear that your mom isn’t doing so well. It’s good that your sister can help bear the burden, in so many ways.

      OK, the cows, dishes-n-spoons I get, but weiner dogs???

      Reply
  2. I know all about the “One breath at a time,” and “. . . keep on keepin’ on,” Laura. There are times when I can look to the end of the day, even maybe the week, and then there are the other times, when making it downstairs for something to drink and back up again is the triumph of the day.

    But I know as well that this too shall pass away. And I will fight, I will kick and scream, because it will always come back again.

    What is the expression? ‘Move like a butterfly, sting like a bee?’ Words to that effect.

    And there’s a great deal to “this sharing thing.” You’d be surprised. 😉

    Reply
  3. How long have you been on Lamictal? I recall, when I first started Lamictal, I had odd sensations as well. I did have a depressive episode at the start. I didn’t feel like I was completely with it and my short-term memory was shot. Any of these symptoms? “This too shall pass”. The “different” will go away. Actually, after being on it for two years, I feel more like myself than ever. I’ve reclaimed the best of me that was being smothered by worsening BP and alcohol for years and years.

    This community is amazing, and we offer the best of what we have. I hope you stay with us. You are an inspiration as well. You’ve inspired me. I’m trying to figure out a financial way to make going back to school work. I may have to wait until tax time, because I do not have the appropriate equipment at home to complete school work.

    I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I want to thank you for the strength you’ve given me, and everyone else.

    Keep fighting the good fight. It’s worth it.

    Reply
    • I think the society here promotes too much isolation. Some would call it “sef-sufficiency” but no man is an island.

      Is Israel beautiful? I’ve always wanted to go. What’s it really like? I’ve read that the society is much different. I love the community involved.

      Vitamin L! Ha! That’s I’ll have to call it. Too appropriate because my husband works for a nutraceutical company, so we have vitamins everywhere. I take a vitamin for pretty much everything that is wrong with me!

      Lamictal has been great. I know I have no basis for comparison, but I was a very bad place before treatment. The only really annoying side effect is the ultra-rapid cycling that happens everytime I have a chemical shift. I was a rapid cycler before medication. If that’s the only thing we can’t get under control, I’ll take it!

      May I ask what dose of The Big L? My doc seemed hesitant to take me to 250mg. I thought max was 400mg?

      Reply
  4. Nancy Pace

     /  June 30, 2015

    RE: “I’ve come to understand that if I just keep on keepin’ on for long enough, I WILL feel better. I hope. Or at the very least, I’ll feel DIFFERENT. Which is in itself a kind of relief.” Well said. The hope of that keeps a lot of people alive, including me.

    RE: “My diet has spiralled down to ice cream and potato chips, which are really the only things my mouth vaguely desires.” I never thought about BP affecting my weight/(bad) food choices. I thought it was all Vit. L and emotional eating. Interesting! Maybe I’ll read more about that in your blog–must search on diet etc.

    RE: “The main thing is to keep. On. Breathing. One breath at a time. Because, you know, sometimes “one day at a time” is way, way too much to bear.” Beautifully said. Suitable for a poster. 🙂

    RE: “I want to tell you that your words have lifted me up and given my heart the will to keep on taking its one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time. I could never have dreamed that anything I would say would affect anyone so deeply. I am awed and yes, frightened by the prospect that anyone would take my words to heart, or that my own experiences would resonate so profoundly.” Well, believe it, Laura. And please keep sharing WHATEVER in your stream of lovely consciousness way…. 🙂

    Reply
    • Thank you SO much for your lovely kind words of support. Just…try not to subsist on ice cream and potato chips, OK? Even though it IS awfully yummy to let the I’ve cream soften up and then use the potato chips to scoop it up…No, no, that’s NOT what I meant to say! Oh dear….;-)

      Reply

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