I’ve been on a real down swing the past few days. I want to blame it on the fact that my shrink insisted that the Lamectil was responsible for certain very unpleasant sensations that accompanied my last “mixed state” decompensation. He maintains that the Lamectil was “feeding” the high side, causing my usual state of insomnia to become drug-resistant and all the rest of the unpleasantness to become worse.
Well, I don’t know if I agree with him on that one or not. But my state of un-comfortability being what it was, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and try decreasing the Lamectil. It seemed to help, I think; yet, given the alphabet soup of drugs that I have been taking in order to quell the screams of my tortured nervous system, I can’t vouch that THAT particular tweak was “the one.”
Anyway. The point is that I have been in a depressed state for the last few days, which accounts for the sparsity of blog posts. My diet has spiralled down to ice cream and potato chips, which are really the only things my mouth vaguely desires. I suppose if someone else were to prepare me a delicious AND kosher meal I would eat it; but I can’t guarantee that I would be able to tell you what it tasted like, because when I’m depressed my taste buds go on vacation, along with all the rest of my senses. If it wasn’t such an unpleasant feeling, I might go, “Oh, just what I needed, a little vacation.”
Luckily I have kept on doing this for such a long time, I’ve come to understand that if I just keep on keepin’ on for long enough, I WILL feel better. I hope. Or at the very least, I’ll feel DIFFERENT. Which is in itself a kind of relief. And I have started taking more Lamectil.
The main thing is to keep. On. Breathing. One breath at a time. Because, you know, sometimes “one day at a time” is way, way too much to bear.
Now there’s something I want to say that just doesn’t seem to want to come out just the way I want it. So I’ll start this way: to those of you who have sent me heartbreakingly beautiful emails, sharing their responses to things I have written here, I want to tell you that your words have lifted me up and given my heart the will to keep on taking its one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time. I could never have dreamed that anything I would say would affect anyone so deeply. I am awed and yes, frightened by the prospect that anyone would take my words to heart, or that my own experiences would resonate so profoundly.
Yet, in reading your emails, both posted here and sent privately, I have found myself also deeply moved, sitting here pouring tears, resonating with your experiences as you did with mine.
So I think there might be something to this sharing thing. We can lift each other up on the wings of eagles. I bless you all.