depression illustrations #2
**TRIGGER ALERT** When I saw this new work from Clay it kind of hit me between the eyes. For most of my life, there was nobody you could call "Lost," because I had never had the experience of NOT being depressed. So of course I didn't know that what I was had a name, "depression." I did know that I felt like shit all the time, even (especially) as a child, and I didn't want to be alive, and often really wanted to die. I even tried to one time, by riding my bike in front of a car. I got a head injury and a number of other wounds for my trouble, and was really angry at G@d that I didn't get to die. I was 10. I tried to kill myself again when I was 22, by breathing pure nitrous oxide. I did die that time, actually, but was in the presence of someone who knew CPR so I got sent back again. That story is for its own blog entry: this is just a teaser (sort of). I never knew that what I was, was depressed, until I was in college. There was an ad in the student newspaper for paid volunteers for a drugs experiment in the psychology department. Free drugs plus money? Yeehah! I went and applied. They gave me an entire day's worth of psychological testing. I went home and waited for the call to come in and get my drugs, and my money. I got a phone call, but not the one I wanted. You must go right away to Student Mental Health, they said. Your tests show that you are suffering from Major Depressive Disorder. Hmmm. I wasn't feeling any different than I always fely, but I dutifully trudged through the Chicago snow to the Student Mental Health Center. After the usual wait, a nice lady called me into her office. I sat down. She smiled and waited. I had nothing to say, so she began, "Well! I see that you were referred for Major Depressive Disorder." She smiled bigger. "Well! You're very attractive. I see you get good grades in school. So why are you depressed?" I stood up, thanked the lady for her time, and walked away from there.
Posted by Soul Survivor on July 10, 2012